After two weeks of Toledo Tumult, I'm happy to tell you that the world is a safer place with me back in New York. I want to choose my words carefully here, because the fact is I could never have weathered the Great Ann Arbor House Hunt if my incredibly generous ex-in-laws hadn't offered up their couch for 1o (TEN!) days. It should have been only 7 (SEVEN!) days, but I had to pay Spirit Airlines 175 (ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTY GODDAMN FIVE!) dollars to change my flight and 40 (FORTY!) more for my suitcase, in a last-ditch attempt to snag a domicile before I left town.
And snag I did, in a typical example of resideus ex machina. I had spent most of my post-BlogHer week pinballing from house to house, getting back to the couch at 11 (ELEVEN!) pm and soothing my panic-filled insomnia with Rescue Remedy and Garrison Keillor monologues. Every place I saw was way too large, or way too shabby, or way too far from school. I called, I e-mailed, I texted. I was bought lunch by a prominent landlord afflicted with temporary paraplegia (due to recent spine surgery), and who wowed the boys with his pimped-out, ramped-out minivan. I spent my idle time wondering where I and my Life Truck might live after we arrived in A2 (TWO!) with no place to land.
There was even talk that--out of desperate necessity and/or an appetite for the sweet release of death--my ex-wife and I and my crap might co-inhabit a house for a month while my highly incentivized self searched for my own place.
But the powers of Light and Darkness convened an emergency session and decided that the cosmos could not endure that. So on Saturday it sent me a very nice couple with three bedrooms and new appliances and a large, sunny, fenced-in backyard, and I gave them some money and now I get to pile all my crap into it. And my kids will walk .36 (POINT THREE SIX!) miles to school each day, there will likely be snow, and it actually is uphill both ways. All part of my continuing effort to base my kids' childhood on Bill Cosby monologues.
After I signed the lease, the boys and I let loose as only boys can, and got LIBRARY CARDS! And signed up for a week of SUMMER CAMP! And checked out the neighborhood POOL! which smells a lot less GROSS than the NEGLECTSTINK we're used to!
Throughout the odyssey of CouchCon, I think my strategy for embracing this new Midwestern life was merely to establish some kind of foothold, so when I got back here for two weeks of born-again bachelorhood, I could envision that my life was there, with my kids, and my car, and my house with all its newfound creature comforts. As I spend my last days here writing and packing and bending elbows with whomever is still around, it feels good to feel a bit more removed. And to look forward to seeing the boys again when I pull into my new driveway on September 1st. (FIRST!)