Last weekend, the boys and I braved steady rain and steadier ennui to see Rango, in which a lot of cute little anthropomorphized critters stir up a lot of desert dust. It's directed by Gore Verbinski, and the similarities to his Pirates of the Caribbean franchise are legion--right down to Bill Nighy as the super-menacing Rattlesnake Jake, whose rattle is a Gatling gun. The action and rampant gunplay were a little much for TwoBert, and I fell asleep once. But the movie redeemed itself by engendering this conversation on the way home (much of TwoBert's dialogue is in all caps because HE COULD NOT STOP YELLING):
Me: So what did you guys think of the movie?
TwoBert: IT WAS SO AWESOME!
Robert: It was pretty cool, because of that snake that had a gun in his tail. Except, I have a question: How is he supposed to load it?
Me: Right! He can't hold the bullets, can he?
T: I know! He eats them and POOPS THEM OUT!
R: You can't eat bullets, [TwoBert].
T: YES YOU CAN BECAUSE IT'S A PRETEND MOVIE.
Me: Where does he get his bullets?
R: And how does he buy them? He doesn't have any pockets, so he doesn't have any money.
T: THEY GIVE THEM TO HIM BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF HIM.
Me: And how is he supposed to eat them?
T: HE PUTS THEM IN A BOWL BEFORE HE HAS A FIGHT.
R: That's stupid. You can't just poop right after you eat. How does he know he'll be ready to poop when the fight happens?
Me: True. He could come to a gunfight and not be ready to poop yet.
T: HE HAS THEM IN A BOWL FOR BREAKFAST, AND ALL THE FIGHTS ARE IN THE AFTERNOON.
Me: It sounds like he would have to do a lot of planning.
R: What if he ran out of bullets, but he was still trying to poop and actual poop came out?
T: THEN HE WOULD HAVE TO RUN AWAY.
[Pause.]
Me: You know, pooping out bullets probably hurts a lot after a while.
T: That's why he's always so ANGRY!
Say what you will about all those brilliant Pixar films, but none of them has ever provoked such a passionate, probing discussion of colorectal pyrotechnics. Advantage: Depp.
