Faulty joists

A strange thing about being divorced is that lots of people like to talk to you about what it's like being divorced. I mean, is it doable? Can you really split up and survive in New York? Right now, nine friends are involved in marriages that are either ending or teetering. And it blows my mind.

I don't have a problem with people asking for advice, since I got tons of it from people who were where I am now. When the floor falls out from under you, you need to know it's OK to live in the basement for a while. And it feels good to pay some of that forward. But nine? Is the floor that weak? And are we able to gauge its weakness only after we've fallen through?

I feel like a hothouse orchid for saying this, but I really had no idea. I grew up around intact families and TV shows about intact families. It all seemed so effortlessly permanent. You got married, and that was it. My parents are still together, for better or for worse, and I was the oldest kid who did everything to please them. I did the work, got the grades, and stayed out of trouble. All so my little brother could distance himself from me and become the cool one. The self-taught musician who has spent his life coloring outside the lines. He's also taller, and better looking, and he still has a full head of hair, the little punk.

And you know why I can call him a little punk before a worldwide webience? He's also too cool to read blogs.

When people ask my advice, that's fine. But when they say I make divorce "look easy," I feel my esophagus cramp. Some days are fine, and some are rottenhard; the only reason it might look otherwise is that I don't write about the rottenhardness. The ways to make divorced parenthood as bearable as possible are pretty simple: Pick your battles, always think about the kids, and have faith that soon a less fecal day will dawn.

You should also be prepared for how it will change you as a person. Like the other day, when I was trying to park the car downtown, on the way to meet a friend who wants to divorce his wife as soon as he gets a job. I circled forever until I found a perfect spot--except for the ripped-up cobblestones in the street and the "No Parking: Construction" sign taped to a tree. And without even thinking, this little orchid sprang out of the car and ripped that sign down and shredded it. I left the car for the rest of the day, and when I got back to find the car still there, ticketless, I kinda went all Tiger-Woods-Y'all right there in the street.

This rebel thing is pretty exhilirating. Do you suppose it'll make my hair grow back? 

Comments

[always home and uncool]

It may make hair grow somewhere on you, but don't count on it being the top of your noggin'. Cheers.

[Alli]

Marriage is an outdated institution, what a shame we're all still doing it.

[Creative Junkie]

I'm constantly being told that we have the best divorce ever. Odd that is started out as one of the most adversarial.

I'm remarried now and my ex husband is not. We have one daughter together and I have another daughter from my second marriage. My ex takes both girls for his weekly dinners, my youngest has had sleepovers with her sister at his house, my ex and I go to all of our daughter's school and sporting events together, and even some of my second daughter's, blah blah blah.

We make it look easy. But it is not. Divorce is often times not, as some like to believe, the easy way out. Sometimes it's the most excruciating necessary evil, especially if you have children. But as you say, people remain unaware because I'm not constantly publicly bemoaning the suckfest that divorce can be.

Nevertheless, I came out of my divorce a stronger person and I hope the same for you. And if that no-parking sign is any indication, you're well on your way.

[marilee pittman]

great piece! as a former family mediator , you are spot on with the advice: "Pick your battles, always think about the kids...."

[Julie @ The Mom Slant]

I had that hothouse orchid feeling the first time a friends' marriage broke up. I don't think I've ever NOT been shocked to hear about an impending divorce - not because I can't believe it would ever happen, but because I realize the devastation of tearing apart a life created together.

I like that you tore that sign down. I also like you sans hair.

[Sara]

I'm just always impressed with how respectful you are of your ex on this blog. You show us the glimpses of victories, occasionally there is a shadow, but it is a general shadow, not an ex-wife shaped one.

When my parents split they were rotten to and about each other and my brother and I were caught in the middle.

You are giving your kids a beautiful gift by showing them how a man behaves when the floor drops out.

Kudos to you!

Sara

[Kari Weber]

As I am still reading through your archives (I think I am only somewhere in the end of '06...) I am still in the midst of your marriage. Although I do read your new posts as they come up, and know that you are in fact divorced! Reading what I do, it seems like the floor must have fallen out indeed. I too grew up in a family of stability, surrounded by families of stability, and watching the Cosby Show. I must say, I would be more of trampled on compost if it happened to me, not the beautiful orchid you have shown and demonstrated yourself to be!

[Kristy]

Thanks for this post. I get told this "it looks easy" thing too. I take it as a compliment because it's far from easy but I have always been determined to be the bigger/better person and be the one to take the short end of the stick so long as our son didn't have to. I am remarried and my son has a stepmother and a stepfather from the entire experience. Marriage is not outdated like one of the commenters stated, it is just not as desired as it should be. If you want a marriage to work collectively it will. Meaning when both parties value their marriage you have a much better chance of being successful as a couple.

But divorce...easy? hahahaha....never.

[stachio]

Our floor gave out about 30 days ago. He and his things are already gone. The basement is filled with my heart ache and irony. I'm still telling myself I didn't see it coming. With the right love, I would marry again in a heart beat. It's like mille feuille: when it's bad, it's a travesty and we should say so, and when it's good, it's sublime, and we should all have some any time we want. Another hothouse moment...

[liz]

As a child of divorced parents, I have to say that it looks like you and your ex are doing the divorce right. You're being respectful of each other, doing good by the kids, and working hard to make the divorce work.

[chompy]

Waiting until he gets a job so he can leave his wife!?!?!
That's messed up, which i guess is your point. How do good people go there/get there with the folks they made precious babies with? I pray that I never find out.

[Sheryl]

This is a really good post. I know so many people who seemed to have rock-solid marriages who are now divorced. And I have no idea what to say to them because I, too, grew up in a world of in-tact marriages. I didn't meet anyone whose parents were divorced until high school, and even then, I think it was a total of three or four people in my circle of friends.

Oh, and by the way 3rd Harry Potter should still be safe for a 7 year old. There are some scary bits, but if he's see the Star Wars Trilogy, he can handle it. Fourth - not so much. That's where things get really dark, and people start dying.

(I refuse to do the Twitter thing - though I'll read other people's pages)

[Simplicity]

Why nine you ask? It's so easy to get caught up in money, material and more. There's much to learn from the ladies that baked bread at home and gentlemen that cut wood and fished. Maybe we should keep it simple and enjoy the small stuff.

[Senor Biggles]

Nicely done, and most helpful.

[mama without instructions]

I simply can't believe how many long marriages have ended around me in the last years and months. It still blows my mind and makes me nervous.

[camerashymomma]

yes. yes, to all of this. "When the floor falls out from under you, you need to know it's OK to live in the basement for a while."

i write of the rottenhardness because that's how i process, it's how i fumble my way out of the darkness still holding a belief that there's light out there somewhere. because i know there's more light than dark.

last week i took my four year old son to see bob dylan and a friend of mine confessed envy over my life. are you fucking kidding me? this past year i've worn my organs on the outside and it's not a pretty sight.

it's good to hear your words.
oh and hey, your brother... is he single?
just kidding.

[saraonherown]

Thank you so much for writing this.

[Rita Arens]

I think in order for things to work, both people have to be in the mindset of "save" at the same time. I know there have been days when if my husband weren't in the "save" mindset, I would've said uglier things, and I'm sure there were days when I didn't fan the flames because I knew he was ready to let loose. That "save" mentality? Maybe those are floor joists. I don't know. But I like your metaphor.

I'm a hothouse flower myself, raised in an Iowa greenhouse. I've been watching the stats play out amongst my friends and wondering how I managed to find someone with "save" mentality. I think I was really lucky. And we were young.

[Basic Living]

I arrived here through a link on Me and My Chickens blog. I'm married and I've never been through a divorce - hope I can always say that. I do know many who have divorced. I get physically ill anytime I'm told someone I know or love is divorcing. I must say, you seem to be handling this in such a civil, mature way - something that must be very difficult to do when you've landed in the basement. Your children are so blessed to have you as their father.

Love your blog.

[Lauren]

I never married. Never really understood why we get or should be married.

I wish you well.

And may you and your ex work through this process amicable - for you, your ex and your children.

[dot]

I admire the fact you always think of your children first...I don't think I would say, you make it look easy, but you do show the bright side of divorce and not many get to see that as one ex or the other is to busy bashing the other. You don't do that, so I think it shocks most of us into thinking, "hey divorce is easy". You are a good man...and I'll leave out the Charlie Brown...(just because of the hair thing)!

[21stCenturyMom]

I was raised by a widow so I know nothing of family stability. I got divorced when my kids were young (3, 5, and 8) so they know nothing of family stability. Their Dad's father left the family when he was young and he's not been the best father but he has done the best he could do. What my kids do know is that Mom and Dad love them most and get along fine to that end and I only wish more parents would put their kids first. What is worse than the rate of divorce is the incidence of people using their kids to fight their battles. Horrifying.

So congrats to you and your ex for doing it so well in spite of having to swallow some emotionally charged bile from time to time. It is more than worth it to give your kids a shot at creating the family stability you weren't able to give them. Hope springs eternal.