When I arrived at the old apartment to begin my week-long stay with the boys, my ex-wife greeted me in the lobby wearing nothing but a robe -- and a grimace that could corrode a car bumper. She was about to shower in our super's apartment because a clog had sealed off the kitchen sink, and the drainage had backed up into the bathtub. When I got upstairs and set my case down, there it was -- about 12 cubic feet of greasy brownness whose only saving grace was Thank God It Ain't Sewage.
This was Sunday, when all plumbers are too ensconced in their spelling bees and whist tournaments to answer a call of distress. The super took a crack at it for about half an hour, until the ends of his snake frayed (true) and he dislocated his pelvis (not true, but funny). So we ate out, and when it came time to brush our teeth we averted our eyes, lest we entice the evil ooze to rise up and stifle us all.
The next day the plumber got here at the crack of Ninety Minutes After He Said He Would and whipped out his snake, which made the super's shrivel in embarrassment. He drilled and ground and heaved for about half an hour until Snake Two also bit the dust. The clog was encamped, cemented into its new lair. The ooze burbled haughtily.
It was time to go get ... the Big Snake. The one they use to clear sewage lines and dig chunnels.
He left for the supplier and came back promptly at Two Hours After He Said He Would, armed with an inch-thick cable wrapped around his torso like a bandolier. As he affixed it to his drill and worked it down the sink, he said -- in a perfect Tony Montana accent -- "say hello to my little friend!" The struggle was epic, the kind that makes "The Old Man and the Sea" look like a four-year-old with a Pocket Fisherman. With each press, he worked his snake a little deeper. Around the corner, out of view in the bathroom, the ooze sloshed and hissed. It rose, it fell, it heaved. And then the two of us heard this sickly belch, followed by the unmistakeable sound of a geyser hitting a shower curtain.
And that's how I ended up in the latest place I thought I'd never be: Scrubbing grease, grime, and plumberguck from just about every surface in my ex-wife's bathroom. Whatever the week held in store, it would all have to be downstream from here. Right?
Ugh. It's bad enough in your own place, never mind the ex's! Hope the rest of the week goes better!
Posted by: Jennifer B | March 25, 2009 at 15:47
Oh Dear Lord. And what Jennifer B said.
Posted by: liz | March 25, 2009 at 16:29
O.M.G.! Speechless!!
Posted by: loafingcactus | March 25, 2009 at 17:56
Good word, "plumberguck"!
Posted by: E | March 25, 2009 at 20:33
I loved this!
Posted by: Bennett Sockstench | March 25, 2009 at 21:14
LOL "Bennett"!!
Posted by: E | March 25, 2009 at 21:39
That sucks. But it is fixed, right? We are so sorry...
Posted by: Geoff and Jenny | March 25, 2009 at 23:49
I'd like to think that the rest of the week was better, but based on your ending, I do not expect that to be the case.
The thing is, what comes next to top that? Locusts? Plague? One legged transvestite hookers on meth?
Posted by: SciFi Dad | March 26, 2009 at 07:11
This was highly erotic, what with all the talk of snakes and 'deeper' and plumbing, until you got to the part where you ended up cleaning your ex-wife's bathroom.
Mood ruiner.
Posted by: You can call me, 'Sir' | March 26, 2009 at 08:43
YUCK! And why did she get to go away and leave you with the mess? Life just isn't fair. I think I would have been tempted to take the kids back to my place for the week and let her sort it out when she got back - lol.
Posted by: carosgram | March 26, 2009 at 10:48
Damn, that was funny.
Posted by: frugal zeitgeist | March 27, 2009 at 11:37
That sucks, hopefully the weekend will be much brighter for you!
Posted by: Under-Employed Girl | March 27, 2009 at 16:52
BEE-YOO-TEEful picture btw :-)
Posted by: E | March 27, 2009 at 17:58
Holy fuck all - I'm thinking it can only get better from here. Please, oh please.
Posted by: 21stCenturyMom | March 27, 2009 at 18:54
I could barely stomach that. Not vivid, but I've seen "Dirty Jobs."
Posted by: elaine | April 01, 2009 at 21:31
God that was descriptive. I gagged a little halfway through so you know it was effective.
Posted by: crazylovescompany | April 08, 2009 at 15:12
Awesome story! I assume "the super took a crack at it" was a tongue-in-cheek (so to speak) double entendre.
And here I am on your blog, as promised. Is it ironic that we met in real life before we did in cyberspace?
Posted by: Do You Hear Voices? | April 15, 2009 at 00:27
sounds like the piping is made of galvinized steel. This type of pipe corrodes from the inside of the pipe. Eventually a clog will happen which a snake will not remove. only solution is cut out the bad pipe and replace with plastic pipe. This job can be messy. Galvanizes pipe usually lasts about 50-60years then decays.
Posted by: sheriff | April 22, 2009 at 21:10