Troth and consequences
I've been struggling lately with how to refer to my boys' mother. Calling her my wife was always so easy, you know? One syllable, done. Wife. Even among monosyllables, it has a nice, staccato ring to it. Like the slash of a machete. Makes you think of a Peruvian laborer, hacking his way through a cane field. Wife!
I'm a big fan of the one-syllable reference. Throughout our marriage, I never called her by her full name, because it has two syllables and is unabbreviable. It still feels a little weird using it now. It's like having to say "Kentucky Fried Chicken." Or the "Franklin Delano Roosevelt Drive." Instead, I had a shorter nickname, an endearment. Like "dear" or "hon," only a little less 1958.
When I refer to her in the third person, I still call her my wife. Because she still is, sorta, until the paperwork is final. It's nothing to do with pining for the past. It's just easier than "boys' mother," or "that one." I guess sooner or later I'll go with "ex," because it's simple and descriptive. No need to reinvent the wheel.
"Ex" is too simple for the blog, though. The blog offers me a chance to play, to use words that sound dopey and inscrutable in conversation. So I was thinking about how to name her here in a singular, yet neutral way. "Soon2bX" will expire soon. "Baby mama" is too long and a bit derisive. "BM" is shorter, but indicative of poo. I tried eliding "boys' mom" into "zmom," but that was too close to Adrian Zmed, who starred on TJ Hooker, which she is not. Mombert is OK, though it sort of overworks the Bert suffix, which has already been done. To death.
Other thoughts drifted into biology, or scatology, or libel. No good on all counts.
So I'm playing around with some more words, and I came up with Renta. A nice mixture of parenting, schism, impermanence, and couture, all in one go!
Yes, I agree. I need a new hobby.
I have a friend who refers to her ex-husband as her "wasbeen" - Pronounce "wuzbin". It works better for the male gender but perhaps you can experiment?
Hope all is well.........
Posted by: Bren | October 23, 2008 at 08:17
Or maybe just a new wife.
No, hang on, that would totally blow out your terminology issues.
Posted by: shula | October 23, 2008 at 09:12
I enjoy your blog and gotta say: MOMBERT gets my vote.
Posted by: Juicebox.mom | October 23, 2008 at 09:19
Sorry, but it's gotta be Mombert, it's too perfect and fitting.
Posted by: Juicebox.mom | October 23, 2008 at 09:27
I actually like Mombert. It has a ring.
Posted by: Sprite's Keeper | October 23, 2008 at 09:33
I call the ex (never married) Daughter's (insert daughter's name) mother.
That way, I never make a mistake calling her a name that is not appropriate for my daughter to here.
I also have a thing for giving all my ex's titles. (the problem, the stalker, the bitter...)
Posted by: JG | October 23, 2008 at 10:20
If you can think of a good name to call my hetero life partner with whom I have kids but am not married to, let me know. I usually go with 'partner' (which connotates same-sex) or son's dad (kinda long). Both seem to diminish his place in my life though. Sometimes I just lie and say husband for ease.
Posted by: De in D.C. | October 23, 2008 at 12:08
It doesn't fit your one-syllable system, but I call my ex "husband emeritus."
It's pretty pompous, but lightens up what's sometimes an awkward situation.
Posted by: Kimberly | October 23, 2008 at 12:20
Adrian Zmed...(laughing)
In keeping with Bren's idea--how about "wuzbina" or "wuzbinita?" It has a nice spanish flair to it and who can really complain about that, I ask you?
For a more Asian sounding name, you could go with "Mamason" Although that sounds a little like "maSon" which reminds me of Paul Mason..the cheap wine dude.
See, I'm just as warped as you are...
Posted by: Steph. | October 23, 2008 at 12:30
How about Not+Wife="Nife".
Play on words....cutting, divisive, liberating, tool?
Posted by: kidsmom | October 23, 2008 at 12:45
I'm digging Renta. Especially when used in sentences like: The boys watched it on the Renta television in the Renta home.
I vote yes on the Renta. (I'm all about voting these days.)
Posted by: Angela | October 23, 2008 at 12:59
How about the Co-rent? As in Co-parent. Nothing unflattering... puts the emphasis on being parents... nothing that will get you hauled into court...
Posted by: Jane! | October 23, 2008 at 13:49
I think Mombert is great! Not negative in any way, which is what you are going for the boys (who will read this one day).
Posted by: chompy | October 23, 2008 at 14:18
BM fits.
Posted by: E | October 23, 2008 at 14:19
maybe simply by her first name?
Posted by: melissa | October 23, 2008 at 20:06
My husband never addresses me as his wife. He just says my first name abbrev or babe. It never bothers me.
You could just call her "ali". :)
Jen
Posted by: Jen | October 23, 2008 at 21:35
Is her last name Center?
Posted by: Barbara | October 23, 2008 at 21:52
I vote Renta! Are we voting?
Posted by: DOT | October 24, 2008 at 10:47
I never refer to my ex as 'ex'. I always call him the kids' dad. Most likely it's because I have two ex's and it's just easier that way :-)
Posted by: Leann | October 24, 2008 at 11:04
Sorry, but I gotta vote for MomBert..for continuity purposes.
Posted by: Juicebox.mom | October 24, 2008 at 11:10
How about the "BoMo", short for the Boys' Mother. Perhaps a little close to Mofo, but maybe that edge is appropriate, I dunno. Sound too much like the Payless Shoes thing, BoGo? Perhaps. Anyway, thought I'd get in on the action...
:)
Posted by: TheWordBird | October 24, 2008 at 11:54
See! This is just one of a handful of reasons keeping Bossy from divorce!
Posted by: BOSSY | October 24, 2008 at 13:51
I gotta go with Mombert. Simple and to the point. Kinda rolls off the tongue.
Posted by: lisa | October 24, 2008 at 16:00
I don't like Renta, it rhymes with Yenta. I like "Once Was", but I know you wanted only one word so I vote for Mombert.
Posted by: Alli | October 24, 2008 at 18:02
I vote for Mombert too. It's a theme, it's neutral it's clear.
Posted by: crazylovescompany | October 25, 2008 at 19:36
BMF- Bert Mom Forever
Posted by: JLG | October 25, 2008 at 21:57
I like Mombert
Or Moxie --
Posted by: Kathy B | October 26, 2008 at 13:20
During the separation I called my now-ex "exish."
Posted by: loafingcactus | October 26, 2008 at 20:23
Renta? As in rent-a-mom? I like the previous Co-rent.
Posted by: Lori | October 29, 2008 at 11:31
how about wuzbert?
Posted by: Alli | October 29, 2008 at 15:04
Frankly, the very same thing plagues me. My husband and I are not divorced, but not living together, either. What do I call him? I have used the wazband...I have said ex...I have also used lazy and good for nothing...but whatever.
Babydaddy seems too young to me. I am 38. We were married for 14 years...he is more than the Babydaddy...sperm donor, not so much...oooh but you could use Incubator? Unless I spelled that wrong...in which case, mock me, then change it.
I ramble...but this does keep me up at night. I hope you find something that works...
Posted by: jodi | October 29, 2008 at 16:15
What about "bomb"? like boy's mom and then also symbolic of what has happened in your life - as in the divorce was like a bomb. Perhaps that is derisive. "Bax" - as in boys and ex combined. Wow, I'm full of bad ideas, I'm going to stop talking now.
Posted by: Beth | October 30, 2008 at 00:15
I like - "Mrs. X"
Technically she's still a Mrs.
Hang in there...
Posted by: Ms. Single Mama | October 30, 2008 at 11:07