Family twee

I have officially chosen the most impressive and entertaining Olympic sport, the one I could watch for several consecutive, catheterized hours: trampoline. I just can't fathom how any person could make his body do the things these trampolinists do, and as the boys and I watched I caught myself utterly awed, jaws agape.

When it was all over (and a gentleman named Dong Dong took the bronze), I had to blurt out loud, "How can a person do that?" And Robert piped right back with, "Dad, what are you asking me for? I'm only six years old. I don't know anything about how the world works."

When you write a blog that's mostly about parenting, you have to resist the temptation to prattle on about all the precious things your kid says. And that's a shame, I think, because one of the best things about parenting young children is watching them catch on to even the most subtle, peripheral things you didn't even know you were imparting. It's hard to talk about it, though, because it's too easy to make your conversational partner want to slam his head in the fridge.

If you feel the same way I do about this, now's your chance to indulge in a guilty pleasure. Let me know the funniest, most perspicacious thing your kid -- 0r your sister's kid, or your neighbor's kid, or your kid's kid -- said. It doesn't matter whether it was 20 seconds or 20 years ago, because this stuff is eternal. And to me, it's truly entertaining. Is there a greater pleasure than watching a brain being built?

Comments

[Lisa]

My friends, a couple with three daughters, were trying to escape to a quiet corner when their oldest (age 12) said to them, "You can't undo what you already did."

[nora]

Similar to Robert, last week my wife asked my nephew, "Is that a Pirates of the Caribbean shirt you're wearing?" and the nephew responded, "How would I know? I can't read yet!"

[which is kind of disingenuous, too, because he's starting to read--I think he just wanetd the laugh line!]

[anonymous]

When the lad was two, he formed his first compound word. After eating the last piece of diced chicken in his plastic bowl, he considered the bowl gravely for a moment, then inverted it and placed it on his head. He looked at us contentedly and said "chickenhat." Which is, of course, his occasional nickname four years later.

There is no greater pleasure than watching a braine being built.

[Anna]

When my niece was 2 or so, her father had taken a trip.
"Where's Daddy?" she asked.
"Miami," replied her mother.
Then next day her mother asked her where daddy was. My niece thought a bit then replied brightly, "Your-ami!" It's my favorite story about language acquisition.

[Rachel E.]

When my daughter was four she was going up the stairs one time to get something before we left for dinner out and I said to her, "Hurry up darlin', we're late." My sweet, passive, adult-pleaser daughter stopped mid-step, turned around and looked me straight in the eye and said most emphatically, "My name is not Darlin', IT'S EMMA!!" And stomped up the stairs. I was so stunned. I had been calling her darlin' her whole life and apparently she had just about enough of that!

[Kaylie]

After a school yard scuffle, my 11 yr old and I were having the "use your words not your hands" discussion. He listened patiently to the whole lecture and then he said "Mom, I understand, but really, it's not the same if the Godfather says "Say hello to my little words"" PS: no, he has not seen the movie, just a commercial with that scene in it :)

[Shannon]

I was babysitting and getting my 4 year old cousin ready for bed but we couldn't find her blankie and she told me it was in the laundry room. I yelled downstairs to her 6 year old sister to get me the blankie from the laundry room and bring it upstairs. She replied, "it's in mom's room upstairs, not in the laundry room, I'm not getting it". I demanded she listen to me and get the blankie and she stomped up the stairs, into her mother's room and produced the blankie. Then she looked me straight in the eye and said, "you know, you can't always trust the words of a 4 year old!"

[Katie]

That was precious - please keep sharing those lines!

My grandparents, Jim and Millie, live next to a family of 2 young little girls - ages 5 and 3. They girls love Jim and Millie and always say "Hi Jim and Millie!!" every time the see them outside. One day, one of the girls saw my grandma outside and said hello to her. She excitedly ran inside and told her mom, "Mom, I saw Jim and Millie, but without the Jim!"

[Molly]

When my niece was three she was playing with doctor's kits and got frustrated with my 1 year old nephew being the patient. My dad, who is not the sveltest of guys, volunteered to be the new patient and laid down on the floor. She gave him a shot, listened to his heart, took his blood pressure, then laid all of the instruments down. She patted his hand and said in her gravest voice "we're just going to have to let a little air out so you aren't quite so puffy!"

[Elizabeth]

My neighbors have a fluffy little yappy dog named Sammy. We always know when Sammy is out for a walk because he barks nonstop. one morning as I was cooking breakfast for my son I heard Sammy barking a little more than usual. I glanced out the window to see my neighbors 7 year old son walking the dog. Sammy was pulling very hard on the leash towards another dog. Suddenly I heard, from the 7 year old's mouth, "Sammy, you cannot have sex with that dog."

[Ani]

7-yr-old, trying to entertain his cranky brother, as we drive past a construction site:

"Look, Ryan, a digger!"

3-yr-old, disdainfully:

"That's not a digger, it's an EXCAVATOR!"

[monica]

One day back when my now 9 year old son was 3-ish, I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up. His answer "a grown-up". I knew I had focused a little too much on how beer was only for adults when after a brief pause he added "and I'm gonna drink beer!"

[Krystal]

It's not so much what was said, but the inquisition it brought up -

I am currently 26 weeks pregnant and my daughter who is 6 told her brother who is 5 that the baby was in my belly...

His response? "What?!? how did it get in there? What is she doing? how is she going to come out? Is the doctor going to sit on your belly and push like on TV?"

I don't know what TV show he was watching but I have to think it might be an episode of Grey's Anatomy he walked in on

[Katherine]

Recently we ate at La Madeleine, a French bistro-type restaurant in Marietta, Ga. It's an unassuming little soup-and-salad place with wooden tables, ladder-back chairs, French maps on the walls, and classical music playing over the speakers. The music was playing softly enough as we were seated that you didn't even really pay attention to it, until suddenly the string and percussion sections played two really strong, loud notes in quick succession. My three-year-old flinched, then looked around speculatively and said, "Maybe there's a BAD GUY in here somewhere."

[Katherine]

Oh, I have another one. While visiting with my husband's family last Thanksgiving, our three-year-old Nicholas asked me for a juice box. Our nephew Matt offered to get it for him, and as Nicholas was following him to the kitchen, we heard the following exchange:

Matt: "So you want a juice box?"

Nicholas: "Yes."

Matt: "What's the magic word?"

Nicholas: [pause] "Hocus pocus?"

[just beth]

This is great... I do talk about the cute things my kids say, which may be why I only have three readers!

Anyway, here's my story. When my eldest was 7, I sent him to a summer camp about the ocean. He LOVED it. A few weeks after it was over, we were at the beach and he was out on the sand playing in the waves. I saw him bend over and pick up what looks like a piece of garbage, when he turns around and comes SPRINTING towards me. He's waving this garbage over his head and shouting, "MOM! LOOK! I FOUND POLLUTION!!!"

xo

b.

[Bob]

back when we had toddlers, we took off for somewhere or another and as usual were were running late. So I was driving a little fast and I had a few choice words to say about the delay.

a few weeks later my mom was taking all of us out to eat. she took a corner a bit fast and a little voice from the back seat said "Are we going to be fucking late?"

[Spring]

The preschool my son was in back in the day grouped students for reading by skill level, giving the groups the names of fruit. My boy was in the 'apple' group (the most advanced group, said the proud mama). One day he had done something particularly precocious and a friend said to him 'Oh, B., you are such a character." His respond, with every bit of indignation he could muster: "I'm not a carrot, I'm an apple!"

The other rugrat's is actually a bit offensive, but I like her plucky reply. I need to set this up by saying she's half Mexican, which in Spokane at the time was often mistaken for Native American. In kindergarten one day on the playground, some kid called her a 'dirty brown-faced Indian.' Her (again, indignant) retort: "My face is NOT dirty, I washed it after lunch!" (And yes, there were repercussions to the other little boy -- who happened to actually be Native American -- since the conversation had been overheard by a teacher.)

He is close to 29, and she is 18, now. But you never forget all those moments.

[DebiDebi]

I was driving my 3 year old niece to the playground and a car cut me off and I said "Hey JERK!" then realizing she was in the back seat, I told her we do not say things like JERK because it is not nice. About 10 seconds later she said "Auntie, do we say "shit"?

[Rachel]

I was in an airport with my 4 y.o. niece. She saw a toy she desperately wanted, but didn't get. She spent much of the 4 1/2 hour flight talking about THE TOY. As we were getting off the plane and she was still talking about THE TOY, I said, "you sure do spend a lot of time talking about toys." She said, quite seriously, "I'm very concerned about toys."

Yesterday I took my 3 y.o. nephew to the park. He said he wanted to go play at the basketball court. I thought it was just about time to go home so I said, "first let me see what time it is." He said, "it's time for basketball!"

[jon deal]

My wife is an attorney and that has somehow leaked into the kids' brains. The other day I overheard our 10 year old explaining to the 5 year old what a loophole was:

"Someone makes a rule and you figure out how to ignore it."

[nelking]

When my son was two years old, he'd sit in the stroller as I wheeled him through any clothing store shouting "Big Pants for Mans!"

[Shelby]

Oh, wow. This one's a little on the pitiful side. My mom is a big phone person, and she was even more so when we were little. When my brother was a toddler, whenever he wanted to be picked up, he would raise his arms to my mom and say, "Innie Minnuh?", and no one could figure out why he said that. Then one day, my mom was on the phone with her friend and preoccupied with something in the kitchen, when my brother came up and raised his arms to be picked up. She looked down and said, "In a minute, sweetie!" and then she realized. And then she cried.

[Imanitsud]

My then three-year-old daughter was dancing in the kitchen one Saturday morning in pj's, robe and slippers. She did a nice little swirl and then SPLAT! fell down hard. She stood up, dusted herself off, smiled a little and said, "I guess that's why they call 'em SLIPPERS!"

[elfini (Dawn)]

These are great!

One morning when I was driving my son to school (1st grade, now he is in 6th), out of the blue he said "What if this is all a dream?" Well, I damn near drove off the road! Then he said "I have imagination rising" Good god, I hadn't even had coffee yet.

[Jenna]

Since my daughter is not yet talking, I can't add any verbal examples, but my husband and I could not contain our excitement when our 13 month old managed to wrangle a swig out of her sippy cup while holding a piece of pizza in each hand. I'm sure there's a sorority out there somewhere that's hoping she'll rush this fall.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5nnzK-QeEeU

[Nothing But Bonfires]

For the longest time when he was two or three, my little brother (nine years younger than me) would insist that he wanted to go to "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh." And NO-ONE could figure out what "Ee-eye-ee-eye-oh" was or why he would possibly want to go there.

Turns out it was MCDONALDS. The kid just wanted a happy meal! And how did he arrive at "ee-eye-ee-eye-oh?" Because of the song, of course! "Old MacDonald had a farm, ee-eye-ee-eye-oh!"

Man, kids are great.

[jp]

When my Daughter was about 4, she insisted on watching Julia Child's cooking show EVERY DAMN DAY..........drove me nuts.

I finally asked her what the heck was so facinating about Julia Child????

She told me "Well that big lady is funny, but I'm waiting to see the child"

We still laugh about it 20 yrs later!!!

And to think Julia was a Spy?!?!?!

jp

[midlife mommy]

The most recent one that comes to mind started with a discussion on littering, that moved to smoking (someone threw a cigarette butt out of their car onto the highway), that moved on to quitting smoking, how smoking while you're pregnant is not a good thing to . . .

"Mommy, when did the doctor take me out of your tummy?"

"On August (mumble mumble), 2004."

"Hey, that's my BIRTHday! The doctor took me out of your tummy on the same day as my birthday! That's very funny, mommy."

[Melissa Anderson]

When Sophie was three...close to four maybe we were coming home from the circus. We saw some houses for sale along the street so I asked her if she was going to buy a house someday. she says 'no' and I ask why. 'because it's too big for my room'. Where else would she keep something she bought, but in my house in her room. So funny, we cracked up the rest of the drive home.

[Liz]

I have two---
My daughter, at 18 months old, building a block tower after "helping" her father spend the entire afternoon attempting to build an Ikea bedroom set..as the block tower tumbles, hands on hips and shaking head..."Shit!!!"
My son--yesterday, "The Olympics are not in China, they are in BEIJING."

[zb]

"I need you to behave!"

3 yr. old future attorney: "I AM behaving! I'm behaving POORLY!"

Also,

"Ay carumba!"

2yr. old "No, no, no, Dada, *I* am carumba!"

[CK Lunchbox]

Upon taking my 6 y/o (Allie) & 5 y/o (Avery) stepdaughters to the Dr to check out a sore throat last week.

[Doctor to Allie]: Okay Sweetie, we're going to do a couple easy tests.

[Allie]: Are they going to hurt?

[Doctor]: Oh no, Sweetie. One is just us tickling your throat.

[Allie]: Will I get a sucker?

[Doctor]: Yes, but you have to do the other test and that's peeing in this cup (which looked like a thimble).

[Allie]: Uh, how am I going to do that?

[Doctor]: Oh, it's easy, Honey. First you take this pad and wipe reeeeeal good all over... down here (points to... down there. Allie's eyes get huge), then you just hold this cup under you and pee in it real carefully.

[Allie]: I'm gonna need help.

[Doctor]: I'm sure your step-dad (doctor looks at me)...

[Step-Dad]: Uh... (I'm looking over the top of my glasses and shaking my head back and forth emphatically. Doctor looks back at Allie and she is doing the same thing).

[Doctor]: ...orrrr, well, if the throat culture comes back positive we won't need a urine sample.

I don't think I or Allie ever wanted a throat culture to be so positive our entire lives. Then 5 year-old Avery, whose been sitting there reading a book chimes in.

[Avery]: If I clean my "bagina" real good can I have a sucker too?

[Wa]

When my nephew was in first or second grade, his teacher held up a nickel and asked if anyone knew who the man was on the front of it, and after the kids answered, she turned the nickel around and pointed to the building on the back, and asked who knew what that was. Mitch raised his hand, she called on him and he said "It's 'tails.'"

[Chantel]

I was at the food court in a mall with my sister and 3-year-old nephew when we sat down to eat lunch. My sister bought my nephew some chicken strips from A&W. We're chatting away over lunch, when my nephew threw down his chicken strip and yelled "This chicken tastes like diarrhea!"

I don't think he said this to be funny, since he was serious about not eating the chicken. I had to drop under the table in order to hide my laughter, since my sister was giving me stink eye, not wanting to encourage her son to think diarrhea was a funny word (even though it is).

[Dara]

My 2.5 year old twin sons were having a discussion in their special language when they pulled their Little Tykes cars over by me. Apparently they were making travel plans. While getting into his car I hear "Pete go Pop Pop's house. You put beer here (pointing to the trunk of his car)". So, they know that a six pack of beer in the trunk will get you into Pop Pop's good graces!

[Rachel]

When a friend's daughter was just learning to talk (about 18 months, I think) she had this habit of looking up at you and saying "happy! happy!" and smiling.

Everyone she did this to just melted...

[Anna Marie]

My best friend's 3 year old finished off his glass of milk. His father: "You are a gooood milk drinker, Daniel!" Daniel: "and you are a gooood cold beer drinker, daddy!"

I fell off my chair laughing.

[Sprite's Keeper]

My nephew was 4 yrs old when my parents (his grandparents) were making reservations to take him to Disney World. While on the phone with the agent, my dad called out to my mom, "Hey, Fran! Do we need a fridge in the hotel room?" And my nephew cut her off by yelling back, "We already have one here at home!"

[Jenn]

My six-year-old son recently told me that I'm "the best mom he's ever seen" but that sometimes I'm "not that good."

[Elaine C.]

A group of coworkers took a VIP tour of Alcatraz that lasted about 4 hours. One lady brought her 6-year old son, whose behavior deteriorated somewhat rapidly the last hour or so. We were in line to go up to the top of the lighthouse, and the group was split in two. I was in the second group with the boy, and we were all on the spiral staircase. The kid started monkeying around on the railing, and his mother told him several times not to; her patience was going quickly, too. I asked the kid if he wanted to thumb wrestle, and so we started playing. We established a "No Tag-Team" (no substitute) rule, but after a few games he used his first finger anyway. The guy next to me said, "That looks like a do-over." Clearly, the boy had never heard that phrase before, but he sensed it was something negative. So he looked right up and said, "YOU'RE a do-over!"

Best insult ever. My friends and I use it all the time!

[Kate]

My little brother (who's now 19) used to call firetrucks "eee oo eee oos" (because of the sounds the sirens made). He also had a case of the switcheroos, calling Ketchup "kepetch" and chain saws "saw chains". We all came to call them "saw chains" and I now have to think a minute about which one is right.

He was also recorded on NPR for a story about adoption. At 3 his only comment was: "Blueberries....yum, yum, yum".

[BethanyWD]

This is one my family will be telling for generations:

One summer in the early 1980s, my family (dad, mom, and three kids) were traveling across the country to visit family (most likely in a 1978 Dodge Aspen).

In order to make the hours and hours of daily driving (between Holiday Inn Holi-dome stops) go by quicker, we would listen to movies on tape (Empire Strikes Back), the Carpenters and Peter, Paul and Mary, and my dad would tell awful jokes.

My dad, who's about 6'2" tall and 240 pounds, was telling a version of the joke that end "and what an elephant was doing in my pajamas, I'll never know."

We laughed (a little), until my brother (then 7 years old, with a full head of blonde hair) popped up from the back seat (before car seats and seat belt laws would have made this impossible) and said,

"It must have been a perfect fit."

Twenty-eight years later and we are STILL laughing.

[KarinGal]

F: Mom, how old will you be when I'm 10?

K: Let's see...I'll be 42.

F: And how old will you be when I'm 42?

K: I'll be 74.

F: And how old will you be when I'm 81?

K: Finney, I really hope I'm still alive when you're 81.

F: I hope so too, Mom, because I don't want to be an 81 year-old with a dead Mom.

[carmie]

18 months old, overhears Daddy mumbling "Fuck!" over some incident. With glee, he begins to shout it over and over again. Chagrined, Daddy tells him, "Babies don't say fuck." Long pause, and then he says, "FUCK babies!"

Also, at 26 months I characterized the smell of a really awful diaper as "ferocious." The next morning he shuffles out of his room and into mine, reeking of another stink bomb, and tells me, "Mama! I'm FEROCIOUS!"

[Kristine]

I grew up babysitting a ton of kids and I've got countless stories but sometimes the thing that tickled me the most is the way kids pronounced certain words.

One story: Watching twin 3 year old girls, it's way past their bedtime and to get these 2 to bed is a chore in & of itself so I would always joke, "Hurry, your mom & dad are on their way home, it's very late & if they see you're still up, they'll never let me come over & watch you again". OK fine, off they go to their bedroom, I say good night and close the door and stood nearby to listen. They are chatting away and next thing I know, Thing 1 says to Thing 2, "oh my God shit, I do not like Kristine. She made us go to bed". I laughed so hard, I just about blew my cover. When mom and dad got home, I asked which one of them uses the phrase, "oh my God, shit". Busted!

Funny words some of "my kids" have mispronounced:
yipstick = lipstick
Wisteen, T-Tine, Quistine = Christine
sunscweem = sunscreen
Barba = Barbara

Oh I could go on and on. Kids are the greatest and they say the damnedst things!

[lynn]

I was driving my 2.5yo daughter to daycare, and I stopped at a stop sign. She asked, "Why you stop?" I said, "Because there's a stop sign. See that red sign shaped like an octagon? That says stop." She replied, "And when you see a green sign shaped like octagon, you can go."

[KarinGal]

K: "C'mon, Finn. Time for lunch."

No answer

K: "Finney? Come and have something to eat."

No answer

K: "Finn! Please put down your toys so you and your Dad can have your lunch!"

F: "But Mom, we have to play. We're GUYS!"

[J]

I was speaking with a student (a first grader) who had teased a classmate by saying, "Your mom is gay." I was explaining why I don't allow kids to use "gay" as an insult. I could see the little guy growing increasingly confused, so I asked, "Do you know what 'gay' means?"

"No."

"Gay means when a man loves a man or a woman loves a woman."

"Well, I know MY mom and dad aren't gay... because they HATE eachother!"

[stephanie parnell]

So sad to see the stories over! This made my day so much better and my mood improved! lol
I read these and can't wait to have children! Hopefully one will be on the way soon :)