Always come back

When Robert was one month old, he spiked a 104° fever. We eventually learned it was just a virus, but before we learned that we had to make sure meningitis wasn't eating his spine. So we took him to the ER for a blood-n-pee workup. The blood came easily enough, but to get the pee the nurses had to use a catheter. I'll never forget the image of my new child lying on his back--naked, impaled, burning, shivering, and seriously wondering what upside there could be to this new, wombless hell. He was wailing miserably, and all I could do was watch him suffer.

Yesterday wasn't as bad as that, but it was still pretty awful.

I mentioned yanking off the Band-Aid earlier, but in fact getting the new apartment was only the first of the Three Big Rips. The others were 2) telling the children and 3) the actual move (which will likely take place without our elevator, because the fates have a burr up their collective b-hole).

Last night, timing dictated that we get take hold of that big, gooey adhesive and get on with Number Two. We knew it was best to sit the kids down as soon as I found my place, so we could establish the New Reality as soon as possible. This way, we have a good eight weeks to reinforce the steady routine of Dad's Not Gone before they both start new schools in the fall. If they'd had to digest both of those huge adjustments at once, I imagine they'd feel like someone had dumped their psyches into a blender and hit "gooify."

Sweet little TwoBert was spared. Blissfully ignorant and enamored of his butt cheeks, he responded to the news by toddling off the couch and taking off his pants. Robert cocked an eyebrow initially, but when I told him I was moving out--and the four chambers of my heart wrenched apart and fled to the far corners of my thorax--the tears came. And suddenly I was back in that blasted emergency room, brokenheartedly failing to convince an innocent that this awfulness was ultimately better than a spinal tap.

We collected ourselves, and talked for a bit more, and we sat back and watched a few innings of the Red Sox/Yankees game together. Then, during a commercial, Robert revealed his innate New Yorkerness by asking, "Will your place be bigger at least?"

* * *

Earlier today TwoBert and I were wrestling by the couch when he asked, "Daddy? When you leave you come back?"

"I will always come back," I said.

"Always come back?"

"Always come back."

"Always come back." Then he started giggling.

"What's so funny?"

"Always come butt!" Then he ran away and took off his pants.

Two Band-Aids off, one to go.

Comments

[Holly E]

Thank you for sharing that funny and touching story. Very personable, enjoyable writing style. I wish you the best....any published works?
Aloha from Maui.
Holly

[E]

Twobert has it right, when you hear bad news, drop trou. Very cute.

[nita]

*sigh*

Best of luck in this process. It sounds like the grown-ups are actually being grown-ups, so that will help.

Again, sending best wishes from the ether...

[Jess]

My twins were five years old and the baby 5 months when we told them. They were most concerned about logistics and where they'd keep their bikes.

You guys are doing great.

[Alli]

I'm sorry that your heart has to break over and over. I can't wait for it to get better for you.

[Li-Li's Mom]

Sigh. I do the same thing when faced with chaos and catastrophe: the therapeutic benefits of dropping trou seem to be missed in most psychiatric circles. Or maybe I just have the coping abilities of a wee one. You two, however, seem to be handling all of this with such amazing sensitivity and maturity.

I'm shifting from the shock and wonderful surprise of opening Things I Learned ... (not even your latest book!) to find that my often-read Laid Off Dad is non other than my dear old friend and sometime mid-Atlantic to NYC travel partner from schooldays to catching up on this turn of domestic events.

Normally I'd just remain the creepy lurker I've been for ... what, a year? But LO Dad, you are breaking my heart -- and now I know you aren't just some stranger, so sending a great big hug!!

Oh, my husband was home all last week with our 2YO and taught her several new words: most notably, she now says "sit butt down" instead of "sit down, please." Hmmm. He must be reading your blog, too!

[George]

Robert revealed his innate New Yorkerness by asking, "Will your place be bigger at least?"

Thanks for the LOL of the day.

[Clark Kent]

I know I'm one of a ka-zillion people that will say this but hang in there. It's good the kids can provide levity along the way.

[kidsmom]

Tell the 'Berts that not only is your place bigger, but they can drop trou whenever they want while there.

The Ultimate Disneyland Dad!

You have my best wishes.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

I think every story should end with, "And then he ran away and took off his pants."

[RubiaLala]

So is it a bigger place?

[Brian]

How did kids handle tragedy before butts were invented?

[Jessica]

TwoBert taking off his pants is a sweet reminder of my own blissful ignorance. When my parents informed me of their reconciliation (before their second split) they promised a surprise.

What did I think it was?

A new Barbie!

Nope, Daddy's coming home.

(Kids are incredibly resilient.)

[Sheryl]

Man, this whole thing just sucks, doesn't it? I feel so bad for you guys.

[cloudy]

I am so sorry you have to go through this.

[Robin in San Jose]

There are few situations in life that cannot be more easily faced sans pants! Or perhaps in the case of the nervous public speaker, visualizing your audience as trouser challenged. Best of luck with the transition to a two household family. Many have gone before you and brought wonderful, well-adjusted children to adulthood. I'm certain you will find a few smaller band-aids that you weren't expecting, but you seem to have a pretty good handle on this job they call Dad.

[Lora]

My heart broke a little for you when I read this. I can't imagine how hard that had to be and hope that you've felt the worst of it now and that maybe Band-aid #3 will be a little easier.

[21stCenturyMom]

My ex and I did it Mrs. Doubtfire style. We told them it was happening and then Dad loaded up the staion wagon and drove off. It sucked. I wish one of my kids had dropped trou to break the tension. What they did do was grow up to be healthy people so there's always that.

[marian]

I remember the day of telling my then 4-year-old that I was moving out as one of the most painful of my life. He's 21 now and it all turned out just fine, but I still sometimes long to ask him what he remembers, if anything, of that time period.
I think I'll wait on that for another 20 years or so.

As you doubtless know, the bandaid is off, but the tears and confusion are not over. But what I can add to that, is that you seem to be doing a very good job of it, and it gets so very much, much better.

all the best to you...

[Backpacking Dad]

Ah, they can find homophones anywhere.

[PhilosopherP]

I was rather young when my parents divorced -- oddly enough, I was worried that one day I'd come home and half of everything would be gone.... So, maybe you should share the basic logistics with the older one... it would make things less stressful.

[Louise]

Kids have the best way of making tough things just a little better. And you have the best way of telling a story like this in a way to make me laugh. Hope band-aid #3 has some humor to go along with it as well.

[Beth]

I don't know you. I will never know you. However, I am crying for you. I am so sorry you have to go through this. I applaud your candor at sharing these deeply personal stories with strangers. When your children are older they will appreciate the tenderness and love with which you handled this situation.

I'm virtually rubbing your forehead and saying "poor, poor bunny."

Lots of support and good thoughts headed your way from the "big D" (that's Dallas to you city-folk)

[Memphislis]

I continue to pray for all four of you.

[Amy]

Good luck. It's not easy, but being open is the best thing you can do. I'm sure you have them, but "Dinosaurs Divorce" by Marc Brown -- and the Mr. Rogers book are both very good. It's been four years & my kids still read them....

[Leann]

Hang in there sweetie. It gets better, I promise. Nothing hurts worse than watching your children feel pain of any kind.

[Single Mom Seeking]

I simply want to add: I really appreciate how open and feeling you are now, in your blog. It's touching everyone.

[LesleyMW]

I'm about 4 weeks after rip #3 and things couldn't be better. I'm happier and more relaxed. My (almost ex) husband is happier and is spending more quality time with the kids. We're trying to be all mature about this, which it sounds like you're doing. The only thing that's been bad has been me, not knowing what to do with my alone time. Be prepared to throw yourself pity parties, or plan to get out with friends. (I suggest the latter!) Good luck to all of you!

[Anissa @ Hope4Peyton]

In that "not quite the same vein" type of issue, I had to rip band-aids off and tell my two older kids that their baby sister was very sick. It broke my heart at how much they understood and again at how much they didn't understand and how that allowed their minds to make up scenarios that were so much worse.

It really does sound like you and mom are doing everything to make this as non-traumatic as you can for your boys and I hope that they find the new normal a loving place.

I enjoyed your post because of your ability to find the humor in the moment, but I know at the end of the day, it sure as heck isn't funny.

Best of luck,
Anissa
www.hope4peyton.org

[Mom101]

Crushing LOD. My heart is with you.

Thank goodness for the toilet humor of toddlers.

[Florencia]

I hesitated before commenting here because everyone has said what I would want to say. Except this: as long as you and your ex-wife don't fight in front of the kids, which you don't seem to be doing at all, and as long as you don't bad-mouth each other to the kids, which I doubt you'd ever do, they'll be fine. Also, always keep your promises (pick up times, plans, etc.) When I was a kid my parents failed miserably at these things and I have spent years in therapy trying to get over that (and of course other, much more traumatic things.)

YOU ARE DOING GREAT LOD! YOU ARE THE BEST DAD THE BERTS COULD HAVE! GIVE YOURSELF A HUG :)

[Nothing But Bonfires]

Oh man. I laughed then I cried then I laughed again. Too much of an emotional rollercoaster for a Tuesday afternoon at work.

[Tootsie Farklepants]

That is the kind of band aid that rips off hair and skin with it. OUCH! That was painful to read.

[Nina]

Been lurking for a little while now, but this post literally made me cry. I'm glad the worst is over and I hope that both boys (and you two of course) have a smooth transition period.

I also hope your place is bigger. =)

[Kelley]

"the four chambers of my heart wrenched apart and fled to the far corners of my thorax"

I felt that.

They won't. It will be a new kind of normal before you know it.

But it doesn't make it any easier.

[Miss Grace]

This post made me cry a little bit. I can't say it really gets easier, but it does get more normal and less overtly painful. Hugs to you and yours.

[Geoff Miller]

This is the first time I visited your site in I don't know how long. What a thing to stumble upon. You are in our thoughts. If you and the kids ever get out this way to visit, we'd love to have you stay with us. Meanwhile, hang in there. The spousal unit will be out in your neck of the woods in the next month or two, I am guessing. Me, not so lucky. If you need anything I can provide from 3000 miles away, let me know.

[losing true]

I expect to get over having to tell my kids about the divorce any day now. I'll never forget the tiny sound of surprised pain my youngest made as he dove into my lap.

Stay with the butt jokes. They'll save you.

[Tina]

$%#%^$&^%*^&%*
That's the sound of my heart breaking!
Thank you for restoring my faith that men do care about these things!
Love this blog, just book marked it!

[mens fashions]

hi this is the lst time I have stumbled upon your site.. you have a great flair for writing.

good luck to you all .. it is never an easy thing

http://mensfashionsadvice.com

[Finn]

My boyfriend has 2 kids & he and his ex - wife have been a 'team' since day one. No negativity - no bad-talk - just "we both love you, but Daddy's gonna love you from a CONDO!!" It was seemless to the two kids (we get bunkbeds?? AWESOME) and the 4 are doing great - DIFFERENT than before - but as GREAT as before. it is always going to be hard - but it doesn't have to be BAD...sounds like you guys are putting your kids before your divorce...novel idea - too bad more parents don't do it!