Splitiquette

I have an interesting conundrum regarding my imminent matrimonicide: I don't know who knows about it. I'm sure there are people who don't know about it who should know about it, and plenty of those who do know about it who haven't told others who should know about it. If you read this space regularly, then you know about it.

But what about the others, the people I encounter in my daily dailyism? Most people at work know about it, but one unlucky soul recently approached me at a workthing and asked me where my wife was. I told him about it as gently as I could, and he shrank into himself and liquefied into rivulets that ran out to the curb and down the storm drain.

Then there are the parents of the boys' friends, classmates, teammates, etc., whom I see often at the playground, or when I pick up at school. They know they rarely see the four of us together, but that's no guarantee that they know about it. Some of them act as if they know about it, and gossip being what it is, I usually assume they know about it. It's completely narcissistic to think that, given that most people are too consumed by their own dramas to concern themselves with mine. And I thought everyone at work knew about it before that poor soul turned into awkward soup.

Worse still, there are those who actually know me, who share my bloodline, who don't know about it. One such person is one of my favorite second cousins, who e-mailed me over the weekend to say she was catching up on my archives and read the announcement. Immediately I felt very bad, because my first thought was: "Where you been, sister?" My second was: How the hell had she not known about it until now?

It's true I don't have as close a relationship with my extended family as I'd like, but this particular kinswoman has always stood out among the group. She is lovely, kind, funny, grounded, and mostly sane, and I see her often because her parents and mine are summer neighbors. Yet here it was, an eternity since the schism, and she was just finding out about it. From my blog.

I should have told her myself. But she had to read about it. Like a reader. And with all due respect to all readers out there, a cousin who writes so sweetly and eloquently about how she loves both of us and wants to help us all weather this storm (and who also routinely invites us to her home for beer and lobster) deserves a greater level of intimacy.

[I'm sorry, J. You deserved better.]

How do you tell people about it so everyone knows it's out there, and you don't have to wonder if this person is either pussyfooting or genuinely ignorant?

I'm thinking of having cards made. And why not? Marriages and births are as much life events as divorces are. Therefore, they deserve equal marketing:

Mr. and Mrs. Laid-Off Dad
request the honour of your awareness
that they will soon be Mr. and ex-Mrs.

We and the children are deeply grateful
for your love and support,
though our main concern, frankly,
is that you know about it.
And that we know you know about it.

You think Emily Post would approve?

Comments

[MetroDad]

Beers next week in town? Sounds like we could both use one these days. Got some Mets tix for the boys too. Let's make a plan. I'll shoot you a line. Hope all is well. my friend.

[Barb @ getupandplay]

Now, I know you are being (mostly) tongue-in-cheek here, but I really think you're on to something. Maybe like a change of address card? Mr. Laid-Dad can be reached here, and ex-Mrs. can be reached here. I had an awkward life event a few years ago (not nearly the magnitude of yours) but I found myself just wishing everyone KNEW already. I hear you, the awkwardness is almost worst than any other possible reaction.

[shula]

Oh, Go on.

I DARE you.

Actually, I'd wish I'd done it myself. 2 years after we'd split, it was still happening

[Kizz]

2 full years after the split, Christmas Eve, 18 people at table and my uncle leans down from 2 or 3 people over and asks, "So, how's John?" Entire table goes silent since I'm pretty sure he was the only one still ignorant of the split. I make up something about how we've been apart for a couple of years but from what I hear the bastard is doing quite well, thanks for asking.

It's like a sand trap in golf or something and it's horrible.

[Louise]

I've thought this very thing (although yours was worded much more eloquently--and humorously--than mine would have been). About 10 years ago I had to do something similar because I was getting married after being divorced for a few years. Two friends who I really respected had still been sending Christmas cards to my previous husband and me, jointly. So I sent them a letter to soften the shock when they would get the next Christmas card. (And I didn't want them to think I was some loose, tart that just appeared with a new husband in the span of less than a year.)

I don't know what Emily Post would say, but I have to think she would approve because it would prevent so many faux pas.

It is amazing, however, with gossip what it is, that everyone doesn't know things instantly. Sometimes one wishes that would work a little more in his favor!

[Megan]

On the positive side you've only had to reduce one individual to the Wicked Witch of the West: Post Bucket Model. Because my own nasty life changing event was kept secret for over a year I got to do it again... and again... and again...

It's a shame you haven't a car though (I think??) as you could do what I saw the other day (so impressive I had to break a personal rule and take a photo on my phone while driving [it was a stoplight! I promise]). White Neon, celebratory paint on windows announcing, "Just Divorced!"

[Lee]

A delightful perspective of an unfortunate situation!

[Jason]

I've seen this kind of thing before--the divorce announcement. I think that it can be very helpful for everyone involved. My wife and I faced similar awkwardness when she miscarried. We thought we were further along and so made general loud announcements at what we thought was the mostly-safe 12-week mark only to discover that we were only at the 10th, and final, week.

I have a short list of people whom I know I need to tell about anything before I post it on my blog. Must avoid "you didn't tell me such-and-such" calls from my mother-in-law.

[Mandee]

You're joking, but it has happened. I grew up in a small town (10,000 people small). Upon the finalization of his divorce, a "friend" of my parents hosted a party. The invitations quoted Martin Luther King ("Free at last. . .").

Guess who is now remarried. To the same woman.

[jdg]

you should get a set of hand printed letterpress versions of that card printed by the cutest hipster girl in brooklyn.

then sell them on etsy.

[LiteralDan]

I think Emily Post approves of anything classy, and this is classier than most things, so I think you'd be in the clear, should you actually go through with this.

At least having something concrete in their hands that they are supposed to be staring at would give the poor suckers a second to compose themselves. I think you'd run into a lot of "slow readers" handing these bad boys out.

Glad to see you're handling this all as healthily as anyone could manage.

[Lisa V]

At my kid's school, there is a prominent couple who recently divorced and seperated. Since they aren't acknowledging it really- I know one person they have told directly- it's very awkward. They've been seperated more than a year. Everyone still send invitations, etc. to both of them, because we don't know if we are supposed to acknowledge we know. I would really welcome a simple tasteful address update or something.

On the other hand, there is a couple who last fall seperated and told everyone immediately and face to face. They both told me at different times. I'm sure it was awkward for them hearing "I'm so sorry" over and over, but there was little gossip and everyone just supported both of them and got used to their "new normal."

[Kyran]

I was alone (with my lawyer) in the courtroom when I got my divorce decree. I remember thinking, there was a big ceremony and witnesses and family members and we both had to say something to get into this, and it just seemed like there should be more to it to get out of it.

[Kyran]

also, why don't you & metrodad nip down and grab me on the way for those beers? what's a detour of a thousand miles, give or take?

[Elaine C.]

It's been a year since my divorce was finalized, and longer than that since the decision and split, yet I still occasionally run in to people who do not know. If it comes up, I think it is genuinely more awkward for the other people than for me; after all, I've had more time to come to terms with it. I generally say something like, "It was hard, but it was the right thing for us. I wish him the best. No one ever knows what to say, but I know you want us to be happy. Don't worry about it too much; sure, it's awkward, but that's life." It can be painful, especially when it's someone I am (or was) close to, but so far nobody's passed out on me or anything!

[Carla Hinkle]

Ok, that is pretty funny, but I have seen it.

It came in the guise of a holiday card -- a *photo* holiday card, that conspicuously featured mom and kids only. No dad in sight. Since he hadn't died, we all got the message.

Christmas is a little far away but I like the idea of a change of address card? For whoever is moving out, I guess (I think that is you in this case?).

[zeghsy]

choose a lovely font, perhaps the colors of brown (a rich chocolatey one) and light blue? a simple ribbon. perfect. my ex's friends still ask about me. we've been divorced 10 years.

[Jerri Ann]

Actually, I say screw Emily Post and just do what you gotta do.

[Bethany]

Emily post would probably say you are a bit affected if you use "honour" and would recommend honor instead, but otherwise would most likely approve. :)

It's always like that with bad news. I had a late pregnancy miscarriage last year and everyone always asked about the baby even months later. I actually felt guilty telling them because I was emotionally okay and they would literally fall over apologizing or tear up. Always awkward.

The most important thing is doing what you feel comfortable doing--divorce is hard enough on you, ex-to-be, kids, without worring about who knows and when.

Best of luck.

[Beth]

I miscarried a while back and the same thing happens to me. I've learned that the key thing is that the other person really just wants off the hook of feeling bad or saying anything else. So, gently let them know that the marriage is no longer viable and that you are "great", "really great", and then change topics.

Option #2, is to tell a couple key friends and instruct them specifically to spread the news for you. This has worked well for me within the "family network". Once people are given permission to gossip than not only do they not feel bad about it, but they actually feel like they are helping.

Chin up sweets!! Time heals all wounds - really. I promise.

[Little Man]

Dude, this is, hand's down, one of your best posts ev-uh. And there have been soooo many. In awe ~ L Man

[Kelley]

Wish I thought of that when our son was diagnosed with Autism. Like seriously. You just assume that you have told everyone this sort of life altering stuff and pow, SIX YEARS later I find out that 2 of my husbands aunts don't know...

Make up the cards. Brilliant idea and they will break the ice instead of making human soup.

[Single Mom Seeking]

Fascinating question! Wow.

Looks like you've already spilled the beans "your" way.... right here.

[Helen]

I think you are feeling better now.

[mac daniels]

fuck emily post. just put a scarlet "D" on your forehead.

[Yolanda]

would it help if i posted your announcement on my blog? maybe you could get some shirts made?

sorry you're going through this. i'll make some mousepads and mugs.

[JG]

I did it as I could.

First I told the inner ring. Parents, close friends. Then little by little, as I could, I would tell more. Then one day, I sent out a mass email. Telling people so they would know, but also telling them I was not ready to talk.

Little by little I became ok with it (well as ok as it goes). People are good and try to help. Some bought beers, some brought company. The best I had, was a lady I worked with. She made fun of me non stop. (not everyone could do this or handle it) It made me think, it will get back to normal and I will laugh and move on with life again.

Good Luck.

[Kimberly]

I told my parents and brother, and left it to them to tell the rest of the family. Which they did, since they're pretty mouthy people. I told friends through an email, and then a day later I put it up on my website, where I knew I'd catch most of the rest of the people who "know" us.

I did send out a change of address card to the Christmas Card list, saying simply that "Kim and the cats" have moved.

The hardest part was changing back to my old last name, because people who didn't know me well (I work at a largeish company) would congratulate me on getting married. Yeah. That's awkward. Almost 2 years later, I still get asked about my Ex at huge family weddings/funerals/etc. I just say that he's well.

[Rob]

When you get through the divorce industry's machine - deal with incompetent lawyers actually do little more than fill out child support forms and cost you thousands...

Then find yourself in "debtor's prison," with limited access to your children who, more likely than not, will be turned or alienated against you by the "custodial parent"... come visit us at www.iowafathers.com

Better still, come visit us before you go to court - I guarantee you'll be glad you did.

[jodi]

Well...if Rob isn't a RAY of fucking sunshine, huh?

I don't know about sending divorce notes...if you do, please let me know if they are well recieved. I am on the cusp of my very own divorce...so you know, any tips are welcomed!

Good luck...I just recently had to break the news to my 87 yr old grandmother...Frankly, I chickened out in the middle of it...I all but told her "just joking" at the end! I am cool like that!

[kb]

My son's friends parents sent a nice e-mail about their pending divorce to the parents of all their children's friends and the soccer team mail lists (the kids were age 9 and 5)

Really, it was nice. It had the tone of...after 19 years we have decided to split. We are still friends (who knows if this is true--but it made it less awkward for those of us who don't know them well!) and are putting our kids interests first...feel free to talk to about the fact we now have two households with your kids...our kids know what is going on and what are plans are...yadda yadda.

Basically to the other kids it means "Who's house are you at this week?" Or calling them mom's house...if Max isn't there call his dad's house. As far as I can tell neither parent cares if we call the wrong one first.

We now see two different parenting styles we weren't aware of before but neither is bad or wrong...just different.

I also had a boss who shared a house with his ex-wife for 3 f-ing years. The adults took turns every other week staying in the house with the kids rather than having the kids come to their house. Frankly it was creepy and turned out to be very awkward when they got into serious relationships with other people. I think kids are more adaptable than some people give them credit for.

[Jeff S.]

I had this same problem. The worst was having people I cared about get insulted that they didn't find out in a timely manner. Sorry, guys. I'm going through trauma. And I'm embarrassed. And I'm not good about asking for help, because I'm a guy.

At least when there's a death in the family no one expects the spouse or the mother to make all the calls.

I'm all for everyone joining Facebook. Then everyone gets to see it instantaneously. I can't tell you how many times I've cringed in the last few months seeing something like "Gertrude has changed her status from Engaged to Single." *wince*