Up on one knee

About a month after I joined the Boy Scouts, my patrol and I launched into a three-day camping trip in the wilds of northern New Jersey. Because there were seven of us, the three of us newbies had to sleep in a humongous, three-man Baker tent. Because it was made of canvas, with grommets of pure lead, that thing weighed somewhere between 40 and eight million pounds. And because I drew the short straw, I was the lucky soul who had it lashed to his backpack for the hike into camp.

Considering all the unnecessary stuff that an 11-year-old Tenderfoot might think he'd need for two nights in the woods, my pack weighed just a little less than I did. And when we finally reached the clearing and that pack slid off my shoulders, I floated around for half an hour as if gravity had been repealed.

That's almost exactly how I feel right now: Sweaty and breathless, but free. And only a little concerned that something will leap from the bushes and eat me.

I'm sorry I couldn't write publicly about this past year and a half, and I wish I could tell you all how much your comments, e-mails, voice-mails, DMs, IMs, Morse Codes, carrier pigeons, and smoke signals meant to me. And when I say me, I mean us. Because all four of us will have to get through this and transition to what's next. There's no "bad guy" here, as one of my wife's commenters wrote. There's just two people who have realized they're better off apart, and who above all else want to do right by their kids.

Ever since Robert looked over my shoulder and asked, "Daddy, what's 'Laid-Off Dad'?," I've tried to pay at least some attention to the boys' dignity. It's entirely possible that one day my sons will be able to read these posts, after they scrape them off the underside of some decaying server-cache-thingy. And when they do, they'll see that, when Mom and Dad split up, hundreds of well-wishers--friends and strangers alike--expressed their love, their support, and their confidence that we'll all be okay.

Every divorcing family should be so lucky.

Comments

[Dawn]

I really admire how you and your wife are handling this situation and my heart goes out to your entire family. I've been trying to find the appropriate words to comment on either of your sites since I read the original post on Ask Moxie, but your post really struck a chord with me. "Every divorcing family should be so lucky" is a really optimistic statement in the midst of a tough time. You are all in my thoughts.

[Genie]

I'm about half-way through "Things I learned about my dad" and finished your contribution. I also admire how well you and your wife have handled things. Divorce is really freakin' hard, but I've got faith you'll all be okay. Go team!

[Backpacking Dad]

It may just be the wine talking, or the fact that the Red Wings are destroying the Avalanche right now...

..but I really appreciate getting little Google Reader notices that LOD has posted again. You share in a way that I can't, yet; but in a way that I wish I could.

[LiteralDan]

I'm glad that so many others offered good wishes to all of you, and I'm glad that you're in a clear enough state of mind to appreciate it.

By all indications, you guys are handling this amazingly well-- I can only imagine I might not be so classy or composed.

I remember well how rough life as a Tenderfoot was, but I figure in this second time around, you've got to be at least First Class already. So set up that tent, and start earning some merit badges. And play with the fire... gotta have lots of playing with the fire, as I recall.

[vickie]

Your essay in "Things I Learned..." made me tear up. I'm still so sad about the news. I feel like two of my dearest friends are breaking up. Which of course is a bit true, because I check your blogs every day and I've so loved getting to know the Berts and the cats through you, even if I wouldn't recognize either of you if you were standing right in front of me.

But you guys are really handling this with grace and consideration. I really hope you get to a good place--where you each find love, again, and you co-parent as really good, loving friends.

[Jonathon]

Seriously, because every divorcing family is not so lucky. I know how difficult it is not to give in to picking fights and choosing sides -- it's great to read that working through it as sanely as possible.

[SciFi Dad]

I'm glad that despite the circumstances, you're seeing the clouds part. It can easily spiral, especially for the dad, and it's clear from your posts that it could have hit you a lot harder than it has. (Note that I haven't yet read the book, so I don't know what you say in there yet.)

Best of luck, sir.

[JenniferV]

Another long-time lurker delurking to say I'm so sorry about your divorce. Your posts sometimes make me laugh until I cry but that last one just made me cry.

[Mara]

Also delurking to comment. My parents divorced when I was younger, although not quite so young as your boys and they managed to do it in such away that not once, ever, did I feel like we were no longer a 'family', but just that Mom and Dad weren't together anymore. It was the most remarkable, touching, bonding experience of any of our lives. No matter what you hear (and you'll hear a lot) about how nasty these things go, know that it is possible to have it be hard yes, crippling at times, but also a remarkable, joyfull, empoweringly defining experience. You are in the process of re-defining family, not breaking one and that makes all the difference. Be well!

[Alli]

Why do my comments keep disappearing? Have you banned me? kidding. I am sorry you are having a hard time right now. My copy came yesterday - I read your piece first. It was terrific!

[Susie]

While you are understandably sad (yet hopeful) about the divorce, I hope you are also proud of yourself and Moxie for doing right by your family. Kudos to both of you for acting like grownups. When the Berts are old enough to understand this, they will be grateful. They are lucky boys, indeed.

Best wishes to you all.

[Mrs. Kennedy]

You're so tough, yet you manage to have such a big heart. What's your secret? Boy Scout camp can only account for so much in the character building department.

[Christy]

Your words are so eloquent. I wish you all great things in the time to come.

[RubiaLala]

It is too bad that all divorces can't be handled the way you two are handling it. And I think your kids will be okay because you are both being mature and adult about it all. Good for you guys.

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

Weird how life loves to deliver an avalanche every now and then. Just roll all the good/bad, happy/sad, light/dark together and dump it on top of your head all at once. If you can maintain your footing, in 6-12 months, you'll look back and find that the person you've become (the FAMILY you've become) has grown immeasurably.

Sappy but true. At least in my experience. So far.

[Asha {Parent Hacks}]

PS. My friend calls this AFOG: Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth.

[Jennifer H]

There is little enough dignity and grace in a situation like yours, but you and your wife seem to have found a way to harness every last bit of both and to make the best of things. Your children will thank you for that someday. And I'll bet they feel it now.

Sending good thoughts, and also congratulations on the book. Glad to know you saw my smoke signal.

[Megan]

Weightlessness is good! And hopefully a sign of on-the-way-outedness from the difficulties.

And you can blog and have happy kids about it - mine not only read but send their friends to read as well. Granted, they are odd little ducks...

[Stephanie]

Yours is one of the very few blogs I find very special. Special, in that I carve out a special part of my day to read you. I turn off the TV, the music, the baby, the husband, the dog, the work...I sit back, and I read...listen...pay attention...feel what you're saying.

Keep writing. You will survive...all of you. You will more than survive.

[Jen]

Wishing you and your family all the best.

On a completely different topic, would you consider writing a childrens book? I think you would be quite marvolous at it. And in a sense, the boys would have a piece of you with them every night. Take care.

Jen

[Sheryl]

I got my copy of the book today and read your essay first. It really touched me.

You all have my best wishes. I think with the two parents your kids have, they're going to turn out great whether you are together or apart.

[dana wyzard]

Please let me tell you about what jumped out of the bushes at me when I divorced:

I had been married THIRTY YEARS and I remember sitting in the living room - SCARED SHITLESS that "something" was "gonna get me" while I was separated from the herd and defenseless.

At that PRECISE moment, I heard four loud TAPPING CLICKS in the bathroom. I found FOUR, count them, FOUR tiles that had popped from the wall and committed suicide in the bathtub - all due to my divorce.

I shook. I cried. I thought: "The whole house is falling down around my head without HIM to "FIX EVERYTHING". Defenseless proof that I, and everything surrounding me, would be dead or destroyed within weeks.

Then I remembered that I was the one who tiled the bathroom to begin with. ME. ALL ALONE EVEN WHILE MARRIED. So I got the caulk and replaced the tiles and stopped being afraid.

[marian]

I remember that feeling of freedom really well. I still feel it now, married again (this time so very happily) 17 years later. It was that knowledge that although mistakes had been made, I'd gone ahead and done my best to undo them, or to at least not let them carry on forever. The difficult times, in those particular terms, are over now for me. I have no regrets. I wish the same for all four of you. You've made a good start.

[kitliz]

I'm another book reader stopping by to check out your blog in "real life." I loved your essay... I am the product of parents who divorced (when I was 5) back when it was still big-time taboo. People always used to say "I'm so sorry" to me when they heard about this, and I would always say obviously you have no idea what it's like for a child to grow up in a miserable marraige or you wouldn't be saying "I'm sorry," you'd be saying "Congratulations!"

I know it's a small thing, but I'd like to say how great it is that you are handling things the way you are. It took a couple of years for them to get their footing, but even 25 years later my parents have a great divorce-relationship. If they had stayed together I can't even begin to imagine the emotional/relationship issues I would have today... I feel like I'm a better person because of the choices that they made.

I know it doesn't make things easier, but I hope it is some comfort.

[Becky]

Best wishes to all of you as you find your new normal.

[jodi]

Hugs to you and your wife...and to the Berts. I'm starting down the road that you are...and I am hopeful that it won't be too bumpy.

[Helen]

The king of segue...this time made me a little misty. The comments are on your blog but I am sure everyone knows it is hard for both of you. You have nothing to worry about in terms of the boys dignity--they will love reading it all some day.

[Ms. Single Mama]

Hi there Laid Off Dad:

This is my first comment, but I've been lurking for a while. I feel your pain...and just know there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

It took me one year post-divorce to really embrace single parenthood and everything that comes with it.

I blog about it here ... along with dating (I know you're not ready yet - but you will be one day - remember, that light isn't too far off).

http://www.mssinglemama.com