If you think it makes you happy, it can't be that bad

Did anyone notice that I spent about three months reading A Widow for One Year? I had multiple problems getting through it, mostly because I lost interest in just about everybody within the first 30 pages. But it's Irving, who's knocked my socks off with Garp and Owen Meany, so I stuck it out. And severely retarded my ambitious summer reading schedule.

After I finally finished it, a friend gave me her For-Your-Consideration copy of "The Door in the Floor," which was superbly cast but was paced just as glacially as the book. I left them both as a rubber-banded set in my lobby yesterday morning, and they were gone by the time we got back for naptime. My money's on the philosophy professor on the second floor; he has a habit of swiping anything that isn't nailed down and selling it for pot money.

My reading schedule has since ramped up a bit, and the last book I finished was "Stumbling on Happiness," which is not, as its title implies, a self-help book for the chronically depressed. (I had to explain this to a couple friends who raised eyebrows at the title.) Author Dan Gilbert instead talks about the care and feeding of our future selves, or how we make decisions that we think will make us happy. He opens the book by showing us how our memories are crap. We tend to misremember the past in a loose outline, and our minds tend to winnow out the worst bits. Which is why when I look back on the 1984 Peach Bowl, I'm able to look back fondly of how I got arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct and spent New Year's Eve in the hoosegow.

Toward the end the book, Gilbert mentions how we humans should be getting better at anticipating what will make us happy because of all of our shared wisdom and the increasingly powerful and prevalent ways we can share it. Yet we still seem to make the same mistakes, generation after generation, mainly because we misremember the lessons we've learned. There are also what he calls "super-replicators," inaccurate beliefs that tend to propagate themselves because they "facilitate the means for their own transmission." One of these super-replicators, he says, is having children.

According to several studies, parents find child-rearing, and the quotidian selfless drudgery therein, far more unpleasant than they thought. Yet when people are asked about what makes them happiest, most say "having children."

"While we believe we are raising children and earning paychecks to increase our happiness, we are actually doing these things for reasons that are beyond our ken. We are nodes in a social network that arises and falls by a logic all its own, which is why we continue to toil, continue to mate, and continue to be surprised when we do not experience all the joy we so gullibly anticipated."

So parents (and I know there are a lot of you out there), here's a topic to chew on during this penultimate summer weekend: What's your take on this? Has parenthood been all you hoped? Are you as happy about it as you thought you'd be? Or are you counting the minutes until school starts?

And why did you have kids in the first place? Do you think you truly wanted to be a parent? Or are we all just suckers who propagate the race simply because mystical forces tell us to?

I really enjoyed this book, and I'm keeping my copy. Much to Professor Pothead's likely chagrin.

Comments

[Kizz]

Please tell me what the Irving attraction is? He gets recommended to me all the time because I'm from the town where Garp and Meaney are set and I keep trying but good lord! Glacially paced? You want glacially paced, try Cider House Rules, or frankly, Owen Meaney. Widow was about the only one I've read where I got to the end and was like, "Well, yes, without the extra 452 pages he likely yearned to add he writes a passably enjoyable novel." Why, god WHY?!

[De in D.C.]

I've always enjoyed Irving as "beach reading." I don't know when this habit started, but every beach vacation we take, he needs to come along in my bag.

[Lisa V]

Owen Meaney is easily one of my top 5 favorite books. I really like Garp, but I couldn't get through Widow, though I liked the Door in The Floor.

We most decidely had children because my ovaries forced us to. It took us 5 years to have the first one (after that they kind of came like they were clowns falling out of a mini-cooper). During those five years we would talk about how much eaiser and better our lives would be if we would just give up. I couldn't do it. I needed to parent like I needed water. It was compelling.

I worship at least some of my children most of the time, the chosen one rotating among them. I am well aware of the sacrifices I make for them, but now that they are all school age, it seems worth it. I like them. They are intersting and add more to my life than I give. I don't know if I would have said that at other times.

Two or three years ago I was so completely overwhelmed that I spent alot of time thinking WTF? and wishing years away.

But I honestly think, big picture you can be totally happy without kids. I won't pressure my children into having them. I think for the sacrifices you make, you better really want them.

[21stCenturyMom]

You like that book? Whatever for? The guy sounds about as insightful as a 13 year old bitching about having to take out the garbage. We make the same mistakes generation after generation because some lessons are not easily learned from others - you have to make your own way in the world.

As for parenting - it is, without qualification, the best thing I have ever done in my life. The next best thing will holding 'Camp Grandma' every summer when the grandkids start to arrive in a few years.

Now I just have to work to be able to put a roof over my head and food in my mouth. Talk about quotidian. I'm just another person on the road to death - yawn. No huge potential to save the world or invent the next great thing. I'm not cute or amusing or so remarkable in my ever maturing capabilities as to leave an entire room full of adults slack jawed with awe as I play chopsticks with my tiny, chubby fingers.

To those who prefer to focus their energies on collecting art and travel - more power to you. Kids aren't everyone's thing but to most people who have them they are everything. That's what keeps the little blighters alive when they fill us with the fury of a thousand angry harpies.

I don't know why the 'Happiness' guy is try to reframe all of human existance. Sounds like he's pissing up a rope to me. You'd do well to hand him off to Dr. Pothead who could engage in similar ruminations under the influence.

[vickie]

Part One:

Parenthood is definitely everything I expected it to be: hard, thankless, a loooot of work & worry, with a few moments of joy here and there. I had believed, for 5 years or so before having our son, that I'd be just as happy being childless, and definitely less stressed.

We became parents by accident (keep your comment to yourself--whatever it is, I've probably already said it to myself every time my son chooses not to hear "get down!").

That said, I do love my boy, and I think that if I can just survive the 19 or so years till I can "officially" stop worrying about him, I'll be able to look back at today and relish every moment.

Part Two:

Oy, what's with beating up on John Irving???

Granted, the guy isn't the Golden Goose of novel-laying. I think writers who produce a lot are bound to come up with stinkers once in a while. But Irving is still among my 5 favorite writers. I loved A Widow For One Year. I can't say the same for his last 2 novels, though (Fourth Hand & Till I Find YOu).

[Robin in San Jose]

I am firmly in the "Meh" category when it comes to Irving, but I did enjoy Hotel New Hampshire.

My two boys are the center of my soul. I love them as deeply and thoroughly as any human can love another. I never wanted to be a parent until the day my husband and I started trying to get pregnant, and then I really only wanted to be pregnant, not deal with a child. As an infant, my first son was a total nightmare, and each day I told myself that he would not be that age forever, just to get through the hell of cholic and never sleeping. At 12 he is sweet, thoughtful, and funny. A real joy. My second son was a joy from the moment of his birth. Always happy, he ate, slept, played and smiled. The first time he frowned at around three years of age, I actually took a photo I was so surprised. Now 7 1/2, he is funny, smart, and cute, but he drives me ABSOLUTELY NUTS. He has a complete inability to make sensible decisions about how to stay safe and out of trouble. He teases the cat, flicks bits of food at restaurants, and refuses to listen to instructions, requests, or orders. I wouldn't trade him for all the riches on the face of the earth though. The two of them have been home with me all summer, generally getting along really well, but bickering every now and then. Truth be told though, I can't wait for school to start.

[Chookooloonks]

My husband and I had no intention of having children at all. Then I saw him with his nieces and was all, "oh, my brutha, you NEED to have children."

So we have our little girl, Alex.

She's our absolute joy, but even saying that? I know that we would've had happy fulfilling lives even if we decided to stick with our initial decision not to have kids.

That said, I'm glad we were wishy-washy. :o)

[Cherie]

I think the hardest thing about being a parent (and esp. a mom) is realizing/admitting that having kids is not always wonderful. The expectation is that you will always be thrilled to spend time with them. And sometimes you aren't.

Summer is hard because it's all kids all the time. And school isn't great either, because then you're caught up in schoolwork and activities and you don't get enough fun time. (Homeschooling just isn't an option for me. I would lose my mind.)

Overall, though, I can't think of anything better I could be doing with my life.

[KarinGal]

Having kids is much harder than I thought it would be, but I think living without kids would have been even harder.

A Prayer for Owen Meany is the book that can lift my life blues. A brilliant rumination on faith, especially for the faithless. I like to read it at Christmastime.

And I love how Irving, admittedly straight from the Dickensian school of prose, takes 150 words to describe something Hemingway would have used 10 to do.

Oh, and he's STILL hot.

[Amanda]

I like Irving, but then again, I'm no literary critic. If it's got a plot and I can stay awake to it, it's golden.

Up until having kids, I probably would've questioned "the meaning of life." But there it is: procreation. Whether it's fun and makes us happy is kind of irrelevant. We're designed by our very biology to feel incomplete without it. I definitely had this overwhelming NOW I GET IT feeling after the birth of both of my kids. I can't imagine why anyone would want to go through life without having children. My children seem to give everything else in my life meaning. Without them, my life would just be about me and I guess that seems shallow now that I have kids.

[Sue]

I wanted to be a mom almost more than anything. This time next year, my youngest will turn 13 and I will be the mother of 3 teenage boys. Be careful what you wish for! I love all of my boys very very much and wouldn't trade any of it, except maybe the ER visits. I am going to do a travel guide to "great ER's of the US" because we seem to need them a lot, on vacation or not, wherever we are.

[Her Grace]

Owen Meany is one of my all time favorites, as is Hotel New Hampshire. But I could not get past page 100 in Widow. Weird.

Happy means different things to different people. I can't say that life with kids is perfect, but I can say that until I had kids, I always felt like something was missing. I never felt fully content or complete. Now I do.

[shula]

I find raising children to be exquisitely painful and difficult.

Apart from that, of course, I love it.

[Laylabean]

On the parenthood thing...

It's been harder than I'd expected but also better. I'm not really a kid person and I worried that I wouldn't love my own enough - but I do and then some. The bad times are completely overshadowed by the wonderful times and I can't think of anything I could be doing right now that would bring me as much joy being a mom. How can you nuzzle your newborn and not feel that this is the best thing ever?

[E]

The Peace Corps says working for them is "the toughest job you'll ever love". NOT true. Parenthood is. Both are hard work with no pay but one can leave the Peace Corp.

[Jean]

Guess my mom didn't get the memo about not being able to leave parenthood?

[nina]

Parenting is absolutely much harder than I expected, especially since I am a single mom (which was never my plan). I was ambivalent about having kids, but now that he's here, of course, I love him tremendously. I like the sense of family and continuity that being a parent gives me, and I like how he keeps me from being overly obsessed about my self all the time.

As for Irving, his first novel, Setting Free the Bears, is a lovely - and not overly verbose- book.

[nina]

Parenting is absolutely much harder than I expected, especially since I am a single mom (which was never my plan). I was ambivalent about having kids, but now that he's here, of course, I love him tremendously. I like the sense of family and continuity that being a parent gives me, and I like how he keeps me from being overly obsessed about my self all the time.

As for Irving, his first novel, Setting Free the Bears, is a lovely - and not overly verbose- book.

[JustLinda]

Same reaction as you to that Irving novel. I kept hoping and hoping but it never improved and I felt like I had wasted time and commitment on it.

As for having children... I had/have 'em. I even started early. As a child, I had always wanted to be a mother. I became a mother at 18 and here, at 42, I still have a toddler underfoot.

My take on it is that kids are no different from any other part of life... a lot of work, a lot of frustration, and moments of poignant emotion and joy. They also represent HOPE and POTENTIAL and really, life in general hangs its hat on hope. Ultimately, they are part of our family circle, the people who know us, whom we know, and we all put up with each other in spite of that.

Just today, I have dealt with a lot of work and a lot of frustration. I have also watched my girls frolick in the pool with their cousins. My three year old jumped into my lap soaking wet with her long curls hanging damp from her head. She hugged me and said something absurd. In those few minutes, all the rest of it - the work and frustration - was all worth it.

[Suzanne]

I'm with Kizz -- everyone tells me I should read Irving because I grew up in the town he used as a setting for several novels. First of all, I almost never read books because I "should". Seems too much like work to me. And I seriously don't even have the time to do things that I want to do anyway.

As for parenting...this is actually something I have thought about a lot. I am not what I would consider a "natural". I didn't love babies when I was a kid, or insist that I am a "born mother". But I always knew it was something I would do, because I wanted to. And I am so glad I did -- I feel like I am a richer person because of the things my children have taught me. That said, I have very dear friends who have chosen not to become parents, and that is great too. Because most of the time, they are the people who save my butt when things get crazy, and help me keep my perspective. And they make a huge impact on the lives of my children. Bless them.

[Jan]

I just finished reading 'Stumbling' over the weekend and I found it really fascinating. I like all that brain stuff, what can I say?

I have always said that I was still looking for what I want to be when I grow up. By which I meant what job would challenge me and satisfy me and make me feel competent and needed.

For me, parenting is that job. Doing it feels like coming home. It fits me. Not every moment of it is happy or fun and there's plenty of frustration, but overall it feels right. And I am a person who has spent a lot of money and time and energy looking for something that feels right.

And I'll be the first confessor: I read 'Garp" when I was twelve for the naughty bits.

[JB]

We spent a lot of time -- upwards of ten years -- trying to become pregnant, with a lot of stress and grief and loss, and finally adopted (and now I find myself pregnant -- surprise!) I was ambivalent about kids for a lot of that time, mostly (I think) because trying to become a parent was so emotionally difficult. Now that I have my beautiful girl, I can't imagine being happier or more satisfied. It's not that every moment is beautiful and ecstatic ("Mommy, I went peepee on the floor"), but neither is every moment at the teaching job I love -- does any long-term endeavor make you happy every second of the time? I'm riveted by her growth, her individuality, her thought process. She is fun and challenging and takes a place in my life I didn't know existed. Plus the entertainment value is WAY higher than I thought it would be.

My husband and I were a complete family before kids. But adding to that family has been one of the best things we've ever done.

[nikki]

It took me wheel over a month to read "A Widow" and I normally can finish an Irving book in a day (if my three year old lets me.) It totally lacked the spark and humor that Meany had, which to me is one of the best books ever.

[BOSSY]

That's a coincidence because Bossy spent One Year reading A Widow For Three Months.

[Diana]

About Stumbling Towards Happiness: another super-replicator he mentioned is the whole "you CAN buy happiness" idea. I found this a much more interesting generalization about Americans, explanation of the current shortages/crises we find ourselves, Spiritual agnst, etc.
While there are lots of people who have children for the wrong reasons, I don't think ANY of them read your blog...

[Molly]

I liked the Dan Gilbert book, too. Have you seen his 20 minute talk on ted.com? Its worth a look.

And if you like Gilbert, you might want to check out 'The wisdom of crowds', or Levitt's 'Freakonomics'.

[ShouldaBeenASpinster?]

I was absolutely dying to become a mommy. I started babysitting at an early age, studied early childhood education, was a nanny, taught preschool - and couldn't wait to have children. I wonder if the answers to these questions differ for those of us whose children are teens or older versus those who are still very young. I feel like a real Negative Nancy while reading all the "infertile blogs" and am just floored that people would go through so much heartache to become parents. Parenting has been so much more work and pain than joy. I love my children deeply, have a strong and very loving bond with them and have made a commitment to be an excellent parent. I notice those of us who are more involved, "responsible" parents seem to find the job harder. The people I know who have pets instead of children seem much happier and less stressed! To be honest, I am so looking forward to the "empty nest" and the day that its just me and the dogs.

[Val]

Parenting is absolutely the most wonderful, frustrating, beautiful, crazy, chaotic and satisfying thing ever. My husband and I were friends forever, then we became a couple and things improved again. I'm sure life without children would be grand, but life with them? Can't be measured with all the riches in the world.

We dealt with infertility before finally becoming pregnant with our first. My daughter is 2 1/2 now, and every day she amazes me and thrills me, and usually makes me crazy. But the wonderful-ness is SO much better than even the worst, most frustrating days, that when all is said and done, I know having children [I'm miraculously expecting our second] was the best decision we've ever made.

[Becki]

Being a mom is not what I expected. It's so much better in some ways, so much harder in others. I did not appreciate the freedom of movement I had before kids. Feel like going out for a drink? Or cleaning the living room and having it stay that way? No problem! But I could not have even imagined the joy of hearing my son say, "I didn't give up, and I figured it out!" or my daughter calling me the sweetest mommy in the whole town. So on the whole, yeah, I'm good with the whole mommy thing.

[creative-type dad]

I had a child primarily for world domination.

And to buy video games for myself and tell the wife they're for our kid.

[Julie]

Did you end up liking A Widow for One Year? The story, I thought, was OK but I was really impressed by how Irving embodied a woman's persona. It wasn't quite Memoirs of a Geisha or She's Come Undone, but I liked it.

As a writer, I also liked how Irving gave us a glimpse into his own writing process via the main character, who, if I recall correctly, creates characters and stories in her mind, "living them" for a year at a time if needed, before she is able to write their stories. I like that.

[Hayden]

I knocked up my girlfriend thirteen months ago. She told me the shocking news, while we stood in line at Tim Hortons. In response, I ordered enough Timbits to kill a horse.

Fortunately, my pancreas survived the sugar attack and I'm now a proud and adoring father of a three-month-old boy, who, thankfully, bares no resemblance to a donut.

So what do I think about parenthood? At times, it's overrated. But most of the time, it's incredibly rewarding. It's a lot like life that way, right? It all depends on how you look at things. Knocking up my girlfriend was one of the best things I've ever done in my life. And I'm a self-made millionaire.

[Denguy]

Initially, I think we may have propagated the race simply because mystical forces tell us to, but now I think otherwise. I've wanted to be a stay-at-home father since I was a teenager. I lost track of that over the years and it wasn't until I was 32 that I became a father. When my wife picked me up from work that day and told me what her doctor confirmed that afternoon, I was actually unimpressed. I didn't clue in fully until I held the child 10 seconds after it was born.

Five years later, I'm still at home and now I have a second.

I think it's the best thing, too, like Hayden, I'm also a self-made millionaire--okay, maybe a thousandaire.

[seizuresalad]

Just stumbed on your blog, what a delightful read.

Widow For One Year is one of my favorite books, and my favorite Irving (I've read nearly everything of his). In the end, for me, it was a book about the writing process but it meandered its way there, just like the writing process in life!

I am childless by choice at 37. People ask me why I don't want children all the time. I feel like asking them why they do, and I sometimes have - usually people struggle to answer. I feel like having kids is just sort of the default setting. I actually do like kids a lot, contrary to what people assume. I just don't want one of my own and I don't have any big philosophical reasons not to, I just *don't*. I enjoy really loving and humbling relationships with my niece and nephew, and my friends' young children. Wouldn't change a thing.

[bitsy parker]

I didn't really consider having children and my husband had two from a previous marriage. Seemed like enough kids for me.

However, the reproduction gods cast a spell on us and before we knew it we were reversing vasectomies and popping out babies. The spell is wearing off, and logically, it made zero sense to have children.

BUT, I really like 'em.