Yesterday while playing hoops someone fired me a perfect pass right under the basket. But I looked toward the hoop too soon, and the ball bent back my left pinkie and drew blood from under the nail. (I know: Awesome!) It now looks like a super-appetizing link of blueberry sausage and is taped to my ring finger, so my left hand isn't much more than a lobster claw. Typing, which has always been a labor of love, is now just a labor. Yet I soldier on, flailing at the keyboard and feeling like a concert pianist wearing oven mitts.
A few months ago I re-subscribed to Time Out New York, which has been a great resource since it debuted here in 1995. The listings are exhaustive and usually dependable; if nothing else, it tells you about doings of which you'd normally have no clue, like Capoeira exhibitions and Sorrento Cheese festivals, and it reminds me why I pay around half my take-home to live in my little trailer in the sky.
TONY's filler articles are more hit-or-miss, but in last week's issue they published this quiz, which calculates your "New York" age. If you're over 40, I recommend you take the quiz right away, because the wiry, cranked-up hipster-doofi who wrote it slice four years off your age just for living here. Because 40-year-olds are senior citizens who deserve respect, and isn't it cute how they manage to haul their frail, wobbly bones out of their homes each day to take in a little culture on their way to refill their Flomax prescriptions?
Anyway, I took the quiz. Thanks to that opening minus-4, I was down to 37, and each answer like this one shaved another ring off my trunk:
- Bugaboo frogs are extravagant yuppie accessories.
- I read blogs.
- I rarely take cabs.
- Coney Island is about to succumb to the relentless "WalMcStarbucksization" that is taking over NYC.
- I know who KRS-One is.
- I like dim sum.
See? Not all that challenging, because the hipster-doofi have set the bar low enough for their pet ferrets to hurdle it. And you know what my New York age is?
15.
So, dude. Can you buy me some beer? I'll totally pay you back.
