Because a battle of this magnitude deserves a media-friendly moniker

First of all, thanks to everyone -- including the cranks -- who weighed in so passionately about the Great NeighboRuckus^TM of '07. Thanks also to Holly for that hilarious "Bachelor" idea. The best show I could think of was "Wife Swap," whereby Archie might get a nice trade-in for ol' Loopy-Loo.

OK, that was a cheap shot. But I'm feeling a little frustrated. I want to treat this thing as even-handedly as possible, because I know it's hard to live below noisy people. My upstairs neighbors are avid enthusiasts of 1) musical theater and 2) hardwood floors, and every so often they invite several hundred thousand of their closest friends over for a Show Tune Shing-Along that could wake the dead. One of them also happens to be a grandfather, and whenever the grandkids are over I feel like Alvy Singer living beneath the Cyclone. But I haven't complained, because I know they're courteous people. We get a fair warning before every party, and I know the kid situation can't be helped. Young children are thumpers -- especially when you're trapped inside because it's 10 degrees out and the wind chill is powerful enough to freeze-dry your pancreas.

In the interest of full disclosure, we have a long hallway that connects our living room to our kitchen, and since it's a major artery it could probably do with a bit of carpeting. Aside from that, though, I'm not sure what else I can do. And it's not like it's a constant problem, or that anyone is losing any sleep. Both Archie and FG work, so they're not home until 6. TwoBert's in bed at 7:30, and Robert and I spend the next sedentary hour building Super-Awesome Space Cruisers with Legos. Once the kids are out for the night, we are incredibly boring people. We don't have parties, we don't crank music, and we don't do Riverdance. Anymore.

Weekend mornings are different, obviously, and our rule is Walk Only before 9am. Until 9, the boys and I usually hang out in the living room, building couch forts and/or cleaning "Ask This Old House" reruns off the DVR. And there isn't much thumping, unless Robert has to sprint off for a pee. (And TwoBert must follow, because for him watching men pee in the toilet is an enthralling magical adventure. Like "Siegfried and Roy go to Narnia!")

I want to be tactful about this. But when I think of all the music-cranking, and the "Supernanny" bullshit, and that strange "alternate days" (?), I can't help but get angry. Plus, Archie has said numerous times that he doesn't hear a thing. It's her, this volatile mix of bionic hearing and raging solipsism, causing this unrest.

In one last grab at diplomacy, I'm going to ask FG out for coffee over the weekend. I have no idea how it will go, or even if she'll agree to it. If it goes OK, this might be the end of it. If not, we're all getting tap shoes for Valentine's Day.

And Riverdance shall live again!

Comments

[E]

Put "sugar" in her coffee.

[clickmom]

I used a golf club on a neighbor once. Then I had to be real quiet until I heard the cops leave the building. I'd go with the coffee.

[LOD]

So that's where Nicholson got the idea.

[Frankenstein]

Lemme know if you need extra help with the Riverdancing...

[kidsmom]

I just got into a research loop. I had to look up solipsism, then got into a discussion on metaphysical skepticism, and then went off on an epistemological tangent.

Meanwhile my laundry is doing some existential mouldering.

If you go for coffee, make sure it is in a public place. Does she wear little dark rectangular glasses and have short spikey hair? I think I know her.

[Bah]

Uckhh. (is so a word)

The fact that you have to invite your Neighbor Crazy to coffee to work out how you live just baffles me.

You're being WAY kinder than I would be. Me, I would start stomping around in rock filled rain boots at 5:30am on Saturdays to show her how much worse it could get.

[Alli]

I know, I know..invite her to play with the utility knife neighbor kids!

[Robin in San Jose]

See, this is why well all jumped to your defense in the face of people getting all shrill about your last post. You're a nice guy who just wants to work this out in a pleasant, face-to-face, non-passive agressive manner. Once you've tired that, THEN you'll move onto Riverdance. Just make sure you shave your chest and wear tight spandex when you do the dance.

[carosgram]

Sounds like you have bent over backwards to accommodate. Let the good times roll!

[Allison]

Good luck to you LOD! I hope your coffee and friendly chat helps. We got stuck living under a family of four very um, rubenesque adults and teens for the better part of a year. I remember many nights lying in bed, listening to the thumping footfalls and the creaking ceiling. I swear someone in that upstairs apartment was walking around at all hours of the night. It is annoying, but it isn't like I could go up and demand that they all lose weight any more than your neighbor's girlfriend (and I am as curious as another commenter...is she on the lease?) can demand that your children be less active. Playing loud music, moving furniture, vacuuming...these are all activities that have a proper time and place and can be curtailed during certain hours. Toddlers who have only recently learned to walk thump because that flat-footed walk that they start with thumps!

Hope you are able to work it out in a friendly fashion, and I think, if it were me, I'd start documenting everything you've done and her responses, just in case (but I'm a paranoid freak like that)!

[MetroDad]

Shit, dude. You are a million times more diplomatic than I am. Isn't the rule in Manhattan "no noise after 10 pm or before 9 am?" I think you're covered on all counts. If the couple downstairs wants peace and quiet, tell them to move to Connecticut (although FG will probably be bitching about those damn crickets!)

[Hillary]

OK, if Lord of the Dance doesn't make them move out, try a basketball!
Also, lots of shouting while breaking dishes.

Although the suggestion to get them together with the knife weilding friends was awesome.

I love this blog

[Helen]

I agree, you are much kinder than I would feel like being, especially after moving to a much smaller room, and everything else. The music blasts and the Supernanny shot would be ample cause for clog dancing at the very least, now that I think about how I'd feel if I found that slipped under my door. Coffee with her? Would take a saint.

[Maria]

My husband and I used to rent out our old apartment in Boston to a couple who were, as somebody upthread said, "rubenesque." But lovely people and certainly not troublemakers. The guy who lived in the apartment below them (who became known around our house as Mr. Pissy) used to call us and scream about how he could hear them WALKING when he was home in the evenings.

"So, are they blasting the music or the TV? Having loud, unruly parties?" I would ask.

"No, they're just walking," the guy would respond. "But they're so heavy that it's really loud sometimes."

As if I was supposed to ask our tenants to get on the South Beach diet. Or perhaps learn to fly. Fortunately, before too long, Mr. Pissy moved away. Problem solved!

[pnuts mama]

yes, i was surprised in the last comments thread, as i too thought your approach was *extremely* reasonable and the live-in-whack-a-doo girlfriend seemed well, extremely *unreasonable*.

i don't know what else you can do besides what you've done, unless she's willing to pay for you to move to the burbs, or at least, the outer boroughs. out here we really don't care what you do in your own house, as long as you don't blast celene dion out in the backyard at 2am. ahem.

and ask this old house? excellent.

[Kathee]

It may sound dumb, but should ANYONE be having this problem? Should this not be taken care of by the owner of the building? Are there no building standards? I mean, this does not sound like an unreasonable request, that neither one of you should have to deal with noise--making it or hearing it. Is there a building committee or something? Perhaps the best idea would be to spray insulating foam between the floors... But why should it be your problem? Tell her to complain to the owner about the paper thin floors--not you!

[AussieAndrea]

What's solipsism?
I have no kids, have not lived in an apartment, therefore have NO IDEA.

Will try not to be a FG should I ever find myself lving under kids though!

[AussieAndrea]

Uh, so much for previewing eh?
That's meant to say living, not lving, hee hee

[Maggie Mason]

We live below a crazy noisy neighbor, but she has no children. The only noise coming from her apartment that doesn't set me on edge is the sound of her 200-pound cat tearing around. That cracks me up. I imagine I would feel similarly about kids.

It sounds like (I'm making assumptions here) you have hardwood flooring. If it's causing grief for both your families, why not just lay down carpet with extra thick padding? I know it doesn't look as cool, but it's a reasonable accommodation to city living. (Whereas only walking on alternate days is not.) I know it's expensive, but you could definitely get them and a landlord to help you foot the bill.

Also, coffee with her genius. She doesn't like confrontations, so asking to deal only with her in the future might dramatically reduce the complaints. Genius.

[David]

Some carpet may not be a bad idea. Otherwise sometimes you just need to tell your neighbors that they need to adapt.

We lived above crazy loud people (with the loud music etc.) and I finally went "zero tolerance." I went downstairs every time they were loud. They moved out. Use irony and go downstairs whenever she blasts her music.

For the record, I don't think individual weight is an important as not walking on your heels in making noise. Thin and stompy is still loud.

[Mary]

I second the tap shoes idea...or better yet CLOGGING LESSONS!!!!!

We just had a neighbor complain that our 15 lb dog (who is physically incapable of barking) was 6 vicious pitbulls who bark all day. The HOA tried to fine us, which we fought (and won).

We're thinking of giving her a bag of flamiing poo.

[Craig]

Y'know, when I was 22 I lived in a one-bedroom and had a guy above me in the attic room. He had his kids on the weekends, and I remember angrily banging on his door one Sunday morning to ask if he could do something about all the banging around up there. He answer was that they were kids, and you couldn't tie them to the bed. I, of course, was filled with righteous indignation at this!

However, now that I have two little girls of my own, I realize that it probably wasn't that bad. Certainly no worse that the ruckus we make running around the house. Thank God it is a house and not an apartment, because my neighbors would certainly be causing a stink.

[LOD]

This is the epiphany that might descend upon them one day, if they ever decide to -- *gulp* -- procreate.

Hopefully, Archie will have the sense to hit the [EJECT] button before that happens.

[Dubarry]

You could move to the suburbs where you rightfully belong.

[LOD]

Holy crap! My landlord found my blog!

[Woman with Kids]

I see tap shoes for the whole family in your future.

[Bridget]

Yikes! Sounds like you've been more than accomodating to these people. I say skip the coffee and save your FourBucks because you're never going to come to terms with FG. She's become unreasonable and trying to come to an understanding with her would be like trying to nail Jello to the wall. (Whoops! That would produce thumping sounds as well wouldn't it? Nevermind!)

[LB]

Bridget, I gotta agree. LOD, be tough! Close the book!

Is Dubarry kidding? Shudder. I didn't know people "belong"ed anywhere. It's afree country and all that.

[Mitch McDad]

Ahhhh....this reminds me of my days back in Hoboken NJ. I had some fierce battle with my neighbors. Of course I had to kill them. Being a parent, this might not be a good solution for you.

[Mom101]

Coffee, wow. You're too nice. I'd just sit at home silently stewing and making passive aggressive comments about her on my blog.

[liz]

Pogo sticks.

[Laura]

I too am very sensitive to noise, but I don't complain unless it really is becoming excessive...sometimes not even then...because I acknowledge the necessity to suck it up most of the time. Fortunately I now live in a generally quiet building, but even now I still sometimes resort to reciting this affirmation (courtesy of Louise Hay), which I suggest you slip under FG's door:

"I release my need to be disturbed by my neighbours."

It lets me tune out the television / stereo / screaming crying argument noise, rather than focusing on it and having it piss me off more and more as time goes on. FG has become hyper-sensitized to the sounds of your perfectly normal small children noises, and needs to share in the solution.

[Robert Paulson]

I'm also marveling at your patience and diplomacy. I'm wondering if living in NYC, where there seem to always be people on every side of you, forces you to be more diplomatic.

We went through a similar situation with dogs and a neighbor who worked third shift, so of course he didn't want our dogs barking in the day (they're in our bedroom every night). Apparently $0.25 earplugs were out of the question. I also bent over backwards to please this guy, erecting a double-thick, insulated fence w/ plantings in front of it to further muffle the noise, put shock/spray collars on each dog that went off when they barked, and to top it off, piped music into their dog run area, both to soothe and to drown out noises that might prompt barking.

My reward? A visit from the sheriff and a nasty letter from the township.

I agree that you've bent over backwards. Time to bend her over forwards.

[JDR]

"I agree that you've bent over backwards. Time to bend her over forwards"

I think this perfectly encapsulates the tone of responses on this blog. Kudos to you all for sinking so low.

[Cheeto]

JDR: "I think this perfectly encapsulates the tone of responses on this blog. Kudos to you all for sinking so low."

We get it - you hate your single neighbor and have to move because of it. That doesn't make you a saint and this post isn't about you and your situation.

However, in response to your smarmy little comment this is about you: Blow it out your ass. If you were my neighbor I probably would stomp around in shoes also - just on the hope that maybe one day you would move. I just wish there was a blog version of loud shoes so I could popssibly make you leave here too.

[JDR]

I don't think I'm a saint.

But I do live in NY and know about having to compromise with neighbors. I think the responses here display a kind of gang mentality, and that's unfortunate. Dave Chapelle was talking about the media reaction to his sudden departure to Africa last year (the year before?), and the thing that bothered him most was that the media openly speculated that he was either on drugs or crazy. His response to that, I felt, was powerful. He said that the worst thing you can call someone is crazy because it's just plain dismissive. It leaves no room for discussion or compassion or understanding.

Living in the city requires more compassion and understanding, not more dismissive, contemptuous attitudes, because we all live and work and generally exist in such close proximity to one another. But how does calling people crazy and threatening to tap dance over their heads make the situation any better?