Cut and run

Robert and Perry have known each other since they first popped out of the womb, and they've been partners in crime ever since. Throughout all the birthday parties and playdates, Perry's family has been a mainstay. We've socialized together. They've had us out to their beach house. And now I am so livid with both of them I can barely stand it.

Yesterday, Perry's mom invited Robert over for a drop-off playdate. She does this every so often, and even though Perry is developing into something of an impudent hellspawn, we send him over because the boys' interests gel so well. They're both obsessed with tools and construction sites, and in an afternoon they can rig up a colossus of crap that could stop a school bus.

Late in the afternoon, we called Perry's mom to confirm that I was on my way to pick Robert up. The usual chit-chat, how about this weather, and then an oh-by-the-way, the boys got into Perry's dad's collection of Leatherman tools and used the knife blades to slice up his weight-lifting bench.

WHAT?

Off I leapt, sprint-walking to their apartment, arms rigid, fists flexing, playing out confrontational conversations in my mind. Yes, I have sharp tools in the house. But they're in a latched tool box, on a shelf nine feet off the floor, in a room the kids aren't allowed to play in. What the fuck were they thinking?

When I got over there I went in, shook hands, surveyed the damage (extensive), found the four (!) knives, gathered up Robert's shit, and took off. Can't find Robert's socks? Fuck it. Wear 'em in good health, you goddamn apes.

I've tried, but I can't get my mind around this. Both parents were home, yet neither thought to supervise the kids. Or even look in on them from time to time. Perry's their only child, so it's not like anything else distracted them. Stories from the Darwin Awards (funny) and police blotters (not funny), of kids finding weapons and doing terrible damage to each other, keep flipping through my mind. Perry's absolutely crazy about "Star Wars." What's to keep him from brandishing one of those blades like a light saber?

I feel like Robert just ran into the road ahead of me, and a truck just whizzed past and missed his jaw by an inch. And it's hard to figure out what's harder to deal with: the end of a friendship, or the ease with which my heart can be made to feel like it weighs 100 pounds.

Comments

[Shula]

Tough one, LOD. Terrible business to find that other parents are so much more cavalier with regard to kids' safety than oneself.

So endeth the playdates, I suspect. How will you ever be able to trust them with him again?

It's a bitch.

[Jack's Raging Mommy]

Unless you feel the need to keep Robert away completely, which is understandable, I think the answer is to only allow play dates at your home or when you are present.
Then you let Perry do something incredibly stupid under your care and see if they get the point.

Or not :)

[Amanda]

I shudder to think what could've happened. And I could never look those people in the eye again without it resulting in... I don't know what, but something really, really bad.

[foodmomiac]

Not that I've met either one of you in person, but I get the distinct feeling that it wouldn't be unlikely for Moxie to go over and beat the shit out of that mom. (or maybe that's just what I'd want to do??)

[Jeff]

Brutal. Are you stuck with other social arrangements where seeing them is inevitable (i.e. day care, school, local grocer, whatever)? If so, you're going to have to deal with this somehow. I don't know how... I would definitely have said something along the lines of, "what's wrong with you?"

[Loxy]

Good God!

I know I couldn't sleep without at least mentioning it to his parents, even then it'd probably be the end of drop-off playdates at Perry's.

So glad neither of them were hurt.

[Lunasea]

:::Gasp:::: And not even a mention from the parents about how lucky everyone was that they didn't slice up EACH OTHER??? Aaaaargh.

[LOD]

I was ready to kick the door down, but I thought better of raising hell in front of the kids.

The best chance I have of handling this like an adult is to calm the fuck down before I confront them. I'm not there yet.

[kristied]

a similar thing happened to me, but not with dangerous weapons. A friend, her hubby & her 2 kids were staying the weekend. Hubby was in charge of the kids while all the other adults ran errands. At some point he decided to "sneak off" and take a shower w/o telling the only other adult in the house. Who when he noticed he couldnt hear the kids, went to check on them and they werent in the house anymore. they had escaped out the back door (which friend's hubby had left unlocked even after we warned him of the ease it opens) and we found the kids out back. But they could have just as easily have wandered to the front yard and into the great big pond. That put a serious strain on our friendship b/c that is too big of an oops to just let go. I constantly think of the "what ifs" and it just bothers me too much. I totally feel for you.

[landismom]

That is really fucked up. Obviously, you can now understand why their kid is turning into an 'impudent hellspawn.' I personally tend to oversupervise kids during playdates here, but it's the fear of something like this happening that drives me to do it.

[kim de kimblahg]

my first thought was "oh hell no". i would have freaked the fuck out as well if that was my child. i understand that kids can get into things and cause destruction quickly but that is extreme and irresponsible.

[Helen]

It is so disappointing when someone you thought had your child's best interests at heart proves to be totally unworthy of your trust. It's hard to imagine that they didn't tell you what happened with abject apologies at the very least. I'm glad nothing bad happened to the kids, and also that at least you know now, before they are bigger and capable of worse things, not to let him go over there.

[damian]

and that blaise attitude of "oh well - at least they didn't hurt them selves" REALLY angers the blood too huh?

[jollyjosh]

I'm glad that you're working on calming down. This is a horrible event and is going to be hard to get out of your mind, but remember - this is a really good opportunity for you (and Moxie) to model the kind of behavior that you are hoping to promulgate in Robert and Twobert

[Mark]

Just out of curiosity -- are you guys friends with the parents out of genuine enjoyment of each other's company, or just out of "our kids get along so we do too?" Cause I gotta say, I'd think it'd be much MUCH more productive to simmer down a bit and then have a rational discussion of the specific situation that took place and how it made you feel. As someone above me said, it'd be good to model the type of judgement and behavior you'd like to see in your kids down the road. If these people are your friends, then wouldn't it be worth it to sit down with them and figure out what was going on?

[Lily]

Anger doesn't even begin to describe it. This is UNREAL.

It may be that the best protector of your son in such situations is your son himself. Please God, let there not be a next time, but if there is a next time, your son will remember your serious and concerned explanation of how dangerous this was and will recall how easily the furniture got damaged and how easily he could have been hurt as well, and will know, even if there are no adults stopping the behavior, that the situation is not safe and not to continue being a part of it.

(I keep thinking this comment has posted, and then it seems it hasn't.)

[Angela]

The fact that the parents didn't seem mortified by this boggles me a bit. "By the way, the kids sliced up a weightlifting bench with knife blades! A kid'll eat ivy too, wouldn't you? Toodle-oo!" (I suspect they're going to ask you to pay for the bench...)

If this would have happened to me, I would be packing our bags for the imminent move--because I would NOT be able to confront the parents without crying and/or forcing them to look at my amputee husband's toe thumb. ("Look! This is what could have happened!!!!")

I admire your sanity.

[Flydaddy]

Wow, that really is f**cked up. Just picturing two tykes in a room with a bunch of knife blades gives me chills. Truly spectacular stupidity on their part.

[Laziza]

That's absolutely incredible. I don't even have kids, and I know that's absolutely incredible. I agree that perhaps a cooling-off period is in order before you talk to the parents, but I also think that playdates can continue -- just not at their house, and only under your or your wife's supervision. They have to understand -- on some level, eventually -- why you cannot trust them with your child from now on.

[Michelle D]

Well, I guess we can surmise why Perry's growing into an "impudent little hellspawn." If nobody ever supervises or directs him, of course he's going to come up as a feral child, and feral children are truly a thing to fear.

When I was growing up, I had a few school friends with whom there was the tacit understanding that they could come over to our house to play frequently, but I rarely got to go over to their house to play. When there's too much disconnect between parental philosophies, sometimes the only recourse is to set certain parameters in which the children can operate. Other than nixing the friendship altogether, I guess.

[Allison]

I can only imagine how much adrenaline must have hit your system. Has the shaking stopped yet?

The ability of some parents to overlook the depth of responsibility they took on when they became parents never ceases to amaze me. And to extend that to someone else's child? Unbelievable. Our stepson is 12 and we still hover by the windows when he is playing outside. Ten minutes of unusual silence when he and his friends are playing in his room? One of us will be casually strolling past to the laundry room to see what's up. (At 12, you start trying to supervise much more subtly...at Robert's age not so much.)

[Asha]

Oh, so sorry about this.

Once the blood reduces to a simmer (from the full, rolling boil it's at now) I agree with Mark -- a conversation is in order to set ground rules, even if it means telling them that Robert will no longer be playing there and here's why. Of course you know this already. Just wanted to lend a voice of support.

It is a truly terrible feeling when you know in your gut the closeness of the call. Thank goodness fate was looking the other way that day.

[lurker]

Really glad the boys are okay. I have a leatherman but I am afraid to use it because the blades are so sharp. Truly. What were those parents thinking, or not?!!!!!

[Hillary]

un-fucking-believeable

"So, about that day where the kids played with knives they found at your house. The blow-torches the kids use at our house is one thing. We supervise them from the other end of the house and make sure all flamable things are a least 1-foot away. TwoBert just loves the colors.
But knives!?! Come on! They could really hurt the furniture with those things. Barbaric."

Good luck

[Jamie]

Crazy. I'd be pretty upset, too. I'm kind of surprised you're blogging about it, though. Those neighbors aren't the blog reading kind? If so, I guess you've kind of already confronted them about it.

Seems a pity to punish your son for something his friend's parents did, though. I'd only allow playdates out in public or at your house .

[Christopher]

I've been thinking this non-stop since I read it yesterday. It literally kept me up last night. You've done the right thing so far, and I hope you can matter-of-factly tell the other couple that you won't be able to let your kids play with theirs any longer. This is too big a breach to ever patch.

[Barbo]

Guess what? Boys are hellspawn. Its just that one's own spawn are also adorable.

[mammaloves]

That is a tough one. The kids shouldn't have to suffer the break-up of a friendship because the parents are idiots.

I second the suggestion of playdates only at your house.

How would you explain it to Robert otherwise?

They didn't think there was anything wrong with the situation?!

[kidsmom]

Do the parents read your blog? If so, I think it's all been said. Up to them to decide how to handle this.

Playdates at your house only, and if that doesn't suit, Robert will have other issues to deal with as he grows up. This too shall pass.

I tell my kids to keep a running list for when they first visit a therapist. It will shorten the time dedicated to discovery. It will all be written down as life went on.

[Robin in San Jose]

We have 12-year-old hellspawn that lives around the corner. He devised a game that involved throwing rocks at my six-year-old, when Hellspawn was unsupervised (and uninvited)in front of my house. I told him he'd better damned well stop or I'd call his parents. Not 24 hours later, Hellspawn threw a rock at my son again, and put a deep cut in his forehead. I could not sleep that night and knew I would not until I got ahold of Hellspawn's ineffectual a**hole parents and told them to keep their kid AWAY from my house. You NEED to call and get this off your chest. Happily for me, this family is moving (Insert happy dance here!!!).

[Melissa]

Posting unedited probably reads a lot differently than a filtered post would have.

Thanks for sharing the raw fear (and fury). The parents are lucky you have a creative outlet--or they might have a lot more to replace than a couch.

Good luck. Jesus...I'm really glad everyone's physically okay.

[raine]

oh lord. i'm so glad to hear that robert is ok. however you decide to proceed, good luck.

they'll need it.

[Suzy]

I too, had the impression that she was going to ask you to pay for the damaged weight bench. That surely would have sent me off the deep end, had I been in your shoes! "You want me to pay for damages after you ALLOWED this to happen, by failing to supervise two young children, one of which is mine? That I entrusted to your care? Fat fuckin' chance!"

Actually, she would have been lucky to have finished the sentence.

I commend you for keeping it together long enough to gather robert and get out. I am extremely happy to hear no one was injured!

*De-Lurks herself* First time commentor. Howdy! :)

[dansroka]

Barbo said "Guess what? Boys are hellspawn." No, I know plenty of female hellspawn as well. Boys (and girls) only get that way when their parents allow them to be. And unfortunately, many parents think "well gee, all boys are wild" and therefore let their kids grow into little demons.

[Barbo]

Yep, girls misbehave too, although having raised three daughters and two sons I would say that it took more effort to civilize my sons. Socialization of a child is a long and difficult process with many backsteps.

I really don't like to hear of any five year old being labeled a hellspawn.

[LOD]

That's the thing about Perry's mom. She's a great friend, but her wonderful niceness means she's way too permissive with her boy. I've never seen her raise her voice with him, and in our presence alone he's deserved it many times.