BIKE HAWK DOWN, first draft

The following is an excerpt of a potentially epic screenplay (first discussed here). The dialogue has been culled from several sources. Some is real, some is borrowed from movies with similar plotlines (and similar leading men), and some was added by Aaron Sorkin, who was brought in for punch-up.

FADE IN:

EXT: A NEW YORK CITY STREET, DAY.

DADDY and ROBERT are coming out of the bike shop. ROBERT's training wheels have been placed back on his BIKE, but they are much higher off the ground than before.

         DADDY
OK, son. Are you ready to do this?

         ROBERT
(Protesting) No, Daddy! This stupid bike is too tippy! I can't stop and I'm gonna hit another lady!

         DADDY
You just think that, son. You took a chance, you pushed the envelope. You took a hard, deep look inside, and you didn't like the view. It happens.

         ROBERT
Daddy! I don't want to ride my bike to the park! I wanna eat a bagel and go home!

         DADDY
Remember when you first got on that bike last year, and you took off like you'd been riding your whole life? You didn't care about crashing into ladies, or scaffolding, or trees. You were a cowboy. I remember I asked you: Why are you so driven? How can you go so fast so soon, with so little regard for your physical well-being? And you remember what you told me?

         ROBERT
"I'm more afraid of bein' nothing than I am of bein' hurt."

         DADDY
Exactly. And why did you even start riding in the first place?

         ROBERT
The speed. To be able to control it. To know that I can control something that's out of control.

         DADDY
You were a natural. And the next step was to try it with only two wheels.

         ROBERT
I know. I thought I was ready. I had your hand on the back of my seat, and then I sped off, and what did I do? I ended up looking like a monkey fucking a football out there.

         DADDY
I'm sorry. Did you just say "a monkey fucking a football"?

         ROBERT
Yuh.

         DADDY
What is that?

         ROBERT
It's a phrase.

         DADDY
It's a phrase?

         ROBERT
Yuh. It's a phrase. Nietzsche said it. Or Neruda. Something with an N.

         DADDY
A monkey ... fucking a football ... is a phrase.

         ROBERT
It is. I've heard it. It's a phrase.

         DADDY
I don't think "a monkey fucking a football" is a phrase spoken by "something with an N."

         ROBERT
I'm getting bored with this conversation.

         DADDY
I know, dammit. I know. But you've got to push on. Don't let it end this way.

         ROBERT
All things end badly, or else they wouldn't end.

         DADDY
You're too young to be so jaded.

         ROBERT
You even warned me. You said my ego was writing checks my body can't cash.

         DADDY
I never said that, son. James Tolkan said that, and it's one of the worst lines every committed to celluloid.

         ROBERT
Oh. Right.

         DADDY
Look. The simple fact is you feel responsible for that woman, and you have a confidence problem. Now, I'm not gonna sit here and blow sunshine up your ass, son. A good biker is compelled to evaluate what's happened, so he can apply what he's learned. Out there, we gotta push it. That's our job. Besides, I've seen your account. You've got the assets. You can cash those checks. Your ego won't get any overdraft notices.

         ROBERT
Kinda pushing the bank metaphor a bit far, aren't you?

         DADDY
So you'll do it, then?

         ROBERT
All right. Let's do this thing.

CUT TO: A sidewalk. ROBERT is atop his BIKE, and DADDY is holding the seat. ROBERT pushes forward and makes tentative progress.

         ROBERT
Whoa! Her ass is all over the place!

         DADDY
Never mind! That's good! You're moving! Do you see? You're moving again!

         ROBERT
Nooooo! It's too tippy!

         DADDY
Tippy, schmippy! You've got ice in your veins! You're a pro!

         ROBERT
My heart is falling down around my ankles like a wet pair of pants!

         DADDY
Just keep at it, son. Keep at it! You're the best biker I ever saw, even better than your old man!

ROBERT is visibly taken aback. He looks back over his shoulder with a new look of determination. He has the Eye of the Tiger. He turns back to face the traffic light, waiting for the Red Hand to give way to the Walking Guy. It does, and he goes.

CUT TO: MONTAGE of ROBERT riding spectacularly, slaloming through pedestrians, leaping over curbs, eyes wide with glee, tongue wagging out of the side of his mouth. He rides back to DADDY at top speed, then hits the brakes, leaving a spectacular 10-foot patch.