If Richard III had a four-year-old

It's been a month since the boys became full-time roommates in the Bert Sanctuary, and I had prepared myself for the worst. We tried putting TwoBert in a Pack-n-Play during Estivus Peripatetica, and he wouldn't have any of it. I was all set to write a post titled "Cribulations" and prattle on about tantrums and mayhem and sippy cups being scraped along the prison bars. But frankly, the transition hasn't been all that cribulating. TwoBert wakes up every so often, but he usually falls back off to sleep rather easily.

Robert likes to fall off, too -- off of his new twin bed. One night he landed with a thud that woke up the whole house -- except him. More power to him, I say. If there's a skill any child should cultivate, it's the ability to sleep through a midnight face-plant.

There is, however, the matter of the current (and hopefully unrelated) hitch in Robert's speech patterns. Every once in a while Robert launches in with a grandiose proclamation, but he's struck with such aphasia that he can't finish his sentence. He's worked so hard to land our attention that he's genuinely taken aback when he finally succeeds.

Now, I'm not one to lay blame on somebody who can't finish a sentence. I do it all the time. But I'm 41 going on 90, and in my day I was something of a weed enthusiast. What's his excuse?

It's also important to note that conversations like the one below usually occur when I'm late for something, or I really have to take a leak, or some other situation when it's really not in my best interest to hang around and wait for the last, ornery syllable to fall.

Robert: I want to go to... uh...
Me: Where?
Robert: Um... I want to go to... uh...
Me: Where would you like to go?
Robert: I want... uh... to go... uh... tooooooo...

At this point, I want very damn desperately to help him fill in his blanks. But I know I'll come off like I'm hectoring him, which can't be a good thing. So to help me bite my tongue, I wander off into my own Mental MadLibs:

Robert: I want to go... tooo...
Me: [The coffee shop? The hardware store? Tony 'n' Tina's Wedding?]
Robert: I want to... go... to...
Me: [Extremes? Great lengths? The dogs? The video tape? The bathroom?]
Robert: I want... to... uh...
Me: [go... to...]
Robert: go... to...
Me: [uh... ]
Robert: uh...
Me: [Lake Michigan? Suriname? The United Arab Emirates? What, child? WHAT?]
Robert: I forget.

Oyf. My kingdom for a direct object.

Comments

[jenB]

hell in a handbasket? did ya' try that one?

very cute. :-)

[DavidR]

I can see my daughters' chain of thought...being so much faster than her capacity to blurt out words. It's funny and scary at the same time!

Seriously...try it... fall off the bed
- it will hurt
- you definitly will wake up and most likely the neighbourhood
- If you don't end up in the hospital, your wife will most likely place you in an institution anyway!

The fact they don't hurt and they go back to sleep is inexplicable to me.

[Peach]

My niece went through that phase when she was about 5. She wanted to talk to people so much that when she got the chance, everything she wanted to say disappeared and she'd sort of babble with the uh.. and ums... until she finally had to give the phone back to her parents or simply say she'd finish her thoughts later and run off to play or what not.

[El Charolastra]

here's one from my 2 year and one month old:
"Daddy, come with me in playroom."
(she takes me upstairs, leads me to the window, points out a spider web and a large, orange and black arachnid outside)
"Spider is lookin' at Eeor and me and saying: DIE! DIE! DIE!"

I try to deflect, re-direct, change the conversation....and in the end I go back downstairs and pour a scotch and water.

the end.
(in more ways than one)

[Asha]

hilarious. we're past that phase here, and frankly, I don't ever remember a time when either of my children were at a loss for words. oh, but for a little silence!

[Chookooloonks]

Right there with ya, man. Next time Alex does it, though, I'm so going to suggest "extremes" and 'great lengths," just to watch her look at me as if her mother has finally lost the plot.

Again.

[Sophi]

Great post: my daughter is 4 and does the same thing. I was concerned at first, but I looked it up in Dr. Baby Book, and it seems to be a normal phase for this age. Lack of words doesn't stop her, however; she keeps the monologue going with a lot of I'm-thinking noises. She even makes up her own words! She probably thinks that I do, too.

[sister]

When I was a kid I went camping with my family in our pop-up trailer. My 6-year-old brother fell out of the trailer through some loose snaps or something onto the gravel parking spot. We ALL slept through it, and there was some anxiety in the morning when we discovered he was missing from the trailer.

[abba-daddy]

Besides cracking me up - thank you I needed that, all I can say is that I envy a little silence from my 1st one. she is 4 and her bestest world is : Abba (dad) let's play in IMAGINATION - I hate that word

It will come and then you'll pray for some monastery silence

[G]

My daughter will repeat the same sentence over and over and over and she will eventually tell me she forgot.

She used to stutter a lot too and the doctor said that sometimes trying to help her would make her feel verbally inadequate, so I had to go on E-Bay and buy some patience.

[Matt Johnson]

This has to be one of the funniest, still intelligent posts I've ever read. Wow. So great.

Bookmarked/Subscribed!

[menow]

No kidding, my sister's head was stepped on by a small brown bear in Gramma & Papa's backyard when she was 5. It walked right over the tent (which is exactly what my dog would do if he were 6 feet tall) she slept in with mom & dad and just kept on going.

My parents could not beLIEVE what had happened as she just snored along. Further proof she's an alien? I think so.

[ZachnEthan]

Instead of "I forget", we get "It flew out of my head"!

[Woman with Kids]

Geez, Boy 1 is like that but it's because there are shiny objects in the room. "Mom, I need to..." "You need to what?" "Huh?"

Sigh

[samantha Jo Campen]

You. Are. Brilliant.

And I love your son(s) to bits.

[Mom101]

Something tells me that any child of yours would not want to go to Tony and Tina's Wedding.

[dutch from sweet juniper]

don't be so sure Mom101.

if the LOD family ever leaves Manhattan, something tells me there might be some community theater in their future. just ask LOD where he picked up all his accents.

[Contrary]

My three year old does this as well, only he usually ends it with, 'I don't have any idea what you're talking about'. Which is cute and all, unless you're the person who just spend ten minutes waiting for the kid to spit it out already.

[crish]

Haha, apparently I did that as a kid, but I grew out of it.
Oh and I live in the UAE so you mentioning it caught me offguard.

[LOD]

Cool. If Robert actually does want to go to the UAE, do you mind if we pop in?

[momto3cubs]

Same problem here at times. You have more patience than I do! And yes, they get MAD if I try to help them out!

I'm happy for you that they are sleeping so well. It doesn't matter if they sleep on the floor, as long as they sleep!

Great post :)

[crish]

Yes, you can visit ;)

[Ranger]

During Hurricane Andrew, a 40 foot Pine tree snapped and landed across the corner of the bedroom where my grandson slept. He continued to sleep, unhurt, through a tree falling on the house. How cliche is that?

[Laura]

I could always tell how guilty my daughters were by how long it took them to come up with an answer to my question when they did something wrong.

Thus, "Why is your sister crying?" was answered much in the same way as Robert's sudden case of speech-inflicted Alzheimers. My girls would respond with a long, thoughtful "ummmmmmmmm" followed by "beeeeeeeeeecause, ummmmmmm."

The longer the "um," the guiltier they were!

Loved this post, thanks for bringing back some memories that are now funny, years later. ;)

[Jonathon]

Glad to see a Dad embracing the late night face plant.

[Jen S]

Holy crap -- here I thought I was alone in my 4-year-old's maddening habit of not finishing a sentence... and the falling off the bed thing? Fortunately, he doesn't do it nearly as often as he did when he first got the "big boy" bed, but rarely did he bother to wake up when it happened. Just curled up in a pathetic little ball on the floor next to the bed until I happened to lift him back into it.

I'm thinking it's a male thing?

[Bihari]

When I am tired--which is 100% of the time now--I lose MY objects. My three year old has taken to filling them in for me. This is worrisome, especially since after this post I am convinced he has a whole Mad-Lib of derogatory comments running through his head.

[Siew Kam Onn]

I would be so happy if my Jonathan could say, 'I want to go to...'