Remember when Kentucky Fried Chicken started calling itself "KFC" in order to downplay the whole "fried" thing? Back when fried was about as appealing a food treatment as breaded with cat litter? It looks like the idea has caught on with TLC (né The Learning Channel), which looks to be distancing itself from "learning" in favor of "ripping off BBC shows."
If you're in the mood for a purely wretched televisual experience, have I got the show for you: Honey, We're Killing the Kids (which, predictably, debuted here). The title alone is pure gold. Grabs you by the collar and stuffs a dead fish in your mouth. And if you can't commit to the full hour, all you really need to see is the first 10 minutes--when it delivers not one but two signature hooks.
The first is the visual, when two parents who routinely feed their kids Froot Loops 'n' Syrup for breakfast get an idea of what their kids will look like at 40. They watch a brief CGI video, in which each child slowly morphs into a scowling, blotchy troll before their parents' horrified eyes.
The host, who leads a life blissfully unfettered by charisma, gives the dire warning that their children will die hapless, helpless, hairless, homeless and clueless--and about 10 years too soon. Then comes the second hook: the Money Phrase, punctuated by an Unnecessary Zoom. "You Are ... Killing Your Kids." If you TiVo it, you can pinpoint the exact moment when the mother shits her pants.
It's one of TV's most awful-yet-riveting hours, and I think it should apply to all parents at all times. As you may have read, TwoBert's hair has taken on something of a rooster-with-curly-mullet quality. So we asked the good people at HWKTK to use the same state-of-the-art technology to predict what TwoBert's hair, if left unchecked, will look like at age 40. They came up with this.
Scary stuff. There but for the grace of God go he.
