Season's gratings

People talk of surviving the holiday season or tax season, but that's small fucking potatoes. My family is trapped in the iron clench of a truly gruesome season, a season that befalls all parents brought together by fate with other parents who gave birth at the same time of year: Birthday Season.

Your first Birthday Season is the most benign thing ever. You invite as many kids as will fit in your living space. The little babies locomote around awkwardly, stopping every so often to lick each other's heads. The parents chill out with beers and exchange stories about how their lives have changed. Candles are blown out, trinkets bestowed. All in all, not a bad way to kill a few hours.

Then things get trickier. The kids get larger, more energetic, more destructive, until the force of a kiddie gathering can't be contained in your apartment. Parties get bigger and less personal, and conversations downshift into small talk. And when the kids move on to different preschools, the guestlists triple in size, offering parents the singular thrill of making more small talk, with complete strangers:

"Hey."
"Hey."
"Which kid is yours?"
"The kid with all the cheese dust in his hair."
"You must be very proud."

Saturday launched BS06 with a mind-altering bang, when 30 4-year-olds gathered at a local playgroup hut that might -- might -- have comprised 500 square feet. (I wouldn't put 30 4-year-olds in an airline hangar, much less a two-car garage, but there we are.) The driving rain was a nice touch, on two levels: the kids had to stay indoors, leaving no room for the strollers, which sat outside and got soaked. There we were, some 70 people doing our best impression of a steerage compartment on its way to Ellis Island. And then they broke out the pinatas.

Yep. Plural. 30 small children + two swinging broomsticks + 20 pounds of SweeTTarts = FUN!

When the first one burst and the masses grabbed for the candy, this marvelously ill-behaved little shit tried to push Robert out of the fray. Robert turned and looked at the kid, whom he dwarved by about 5 inches and 15 pounds, and fixed him with this look that said, "You're kidding, right?" The kid slinked away, and the issue was settled without a punch. It was easily the day's best moment.

Robert's fourth birthday is next month, and today he said he wants his party to be "dangerous." I can't think of anything that could top last Saturday, unless we held it on the West Side Highway.

Comments

[s]

I had a pinata all ready for my 3YO's birthday party last weekend and -MYSTERIOUSLY- it disappeared.

DISAPPEARED.

My husband didn't even try to hide his relief.

[Yomama]

Love it, love it, love it...Great blog. Those were the days. Were girls involved in this party? They might bring a little civility....tho these days I'm not so sure.

[the patriarch]

We've done the pinata, the jumphouse, the Chuck E Cheeses, you name it. It will get worse before it gets better, like when they hit junior high and want nothing to do with you.

Best kid's birthday we threw was last year for our 4 year old. It was at a gymnastics school where they let the kids climb all over the equipment, jump on the gigantic trampolines and put them through a little tumbling drill. They fucking LOVED it and then fell asleep on the way home. Find one of those.

[LOD]

GoogleAds digested this post and came up with an ad for an outdoor paintball venue comprising 350 acres.

If this means we can set the kids loose in the wild with their weapons while the parents kick back in the lounge with Bloody Marys, I'm sold.

[Lisa]

You haven't lived 'til you've been to an indoor "sports megaplex" with video games and the revolting smell of sweat and root beer. The kids play a disorganized round of basketball, followed by pizza and cake in an adjacent party room that looks like a two-way mirror line-up room. Small talk with stiff parents and watered down Diet Pepsi. Mmmm.

[mama speak]

I LOVE the way he handled that? Did you teach him or was he just born with it? I need to teach my DD to respond like that (she's the height of a 4YO, even though she's only 2.5).

The best part of the pinata is when they dive cause like 2 pieces of candy have fallen, but the kid with the bat is still swinging. Keeps it fun!

We have these great places called Pump It Up. You lock them in a room w/3 jump houses for 45 minutes (no alcohol allowed, which is the downfall). Good naps later!

[mike wolf]

nice... this weekend starts mine... holdens first kid bday party... so im gonna just sit back and take it all in, only to do it ourselves 3 weeks later. I too am looking forward to the blank parent looks and the "so, what do you do"

[poptart]

You just made water come out of my nose from laughing which caused me to wheeze which brought attention to my cubicle at work. I know now to never drink and read your posts. Thanks so much.

[Katrina]

I'm sort of cheating this Birthday Season by hosting only ONE party for my TWO kids (ages 3 and 7). But why put myself through that twice, right? It's their fault for having birthdays so close together.

[madness]

My girls talk about What They Want To Do For Their Birthday 11 months out of the year. I've decided to agree with every suggestion because one idea never sticks, so it's fun to uncharacteristically Yes them. During the year, out of the blue I hear, "For my birthday can we . . ." and then it's on: Ice Skate? Sure. Dress up as pirates? Sure. Skydive? Great. Go to a PETA rally. Awesome.

The best party to date was my daughter's 8th where my husband organized a kids' softball game at the park. Parents pitched and quickly tried to protect body parts. High, high hilarity.

[dd]

dangerous... I like it. I think I want my next birthday party to be dangerous too.

[Emily]

so I'm not crazy! i was just remarking to a friend that it seems that there are a lot of birthdays around now. i am, however, in the fun part of birthday season known as college. Not to rub it in or anything.

[21stCenturyMom]

This is hysterical. I can't even imagine.

For what its worth, I gave up the whole giant party thing very early on. Contrary to popular belief, it isn'st mandatory.

ps - your kid is such a rock star. I love him.

[MetroDad]

Coming to your blog is like reading tea leaves into my future. Yet, you still manage to make it sound fun and entertaining. And good for Robert for doing his bad-ass Clint Eastwood routine. Gotta love a tough cookie!

[yomama]

That's overkill....what does a kid do with 30 new toys etc? Where do you put them? Do you re-gift? Have a sidewalk sale?

[Tali]

My daughters 2nd birthday is at the end of this month. I have decided to buck the system and invite only 1 friend to the party who happens to be only 6 months old. I figure she will be begging me for her pals to ALL come in a year or two, I might as well keep it simple while I can.

I love that dangerous part. Is that just a boy thing? Or will my darling daughter be wanting a dangerous party when she turns four? I am sure my husband will be only too happy to oblige her.

[Peter]

Here is the thing, my baby girl turns 4 in two weeks. My wife has rented the local dance school and will host a party during the week for Merry's girl friends. The good: No four year old sunami raging thru my house. The bad: I bet it costs me 4 bills at the end of the day. My question is: Will a four year old even remember her birthday? and What is her sweet sixteen going to cost?

[Lydia]

Oh. No. F-ing Birthday Season. I cannot stand it. I looooathe it. And i cannot even drink away the pain of it, gah. All of my friends kids, and my own, are in Robert's age range, and all MUST have the most frightful, soul-splitting, ear-bleeding parties you could think of. I've done one Chuck-E-Cheese and two at the little house of horrors in my area known as 'Funsville'. If i go to hell, my own personal hell will be this place for all eternity. I am easily overloaded in the sensory department, and parties like this will make me want to curl up in the fetal postion and just rock. Ugh. I have ONE more damn birthday to go to and then it'll be over for MONTHS. I am secretly thankful that? For my daughter's 4th b-day this year, we will be thousands of miles away from friends and family, and will just quietly celebrate, the three of us. heaven. Thanks for sharing about that, it was a spot-on account! Oh, and tell Robert that he rocks and is awesome, will you?

[Alexis Orengo]

I want a cool theme