If I want to learn more about the State of the Union, I find it best not to watch the address live on TV. Reading a transcript in the newspaper the next day is a much better option: It saves me from having to replace my TV, and the paper can easily be folded into a makeshift puke-bucket.
While I was reading about the unrelenting spread of liberty and freedom throughout the world, I remembered that when I picked up my new cell phone the taciturn woman behind the register made a copy of my driver's license. "You know, just so we have a record," she said.
It therefore makes me very happy to think that when my wife called to tell me that TwoBert's constipation had finally broken through, resulting in one of those stunning blowout poops you can measure with a seismometer, some NSA drone was taking notes.