Because that's how we get to be parents in the first place
I got the glimmer for this list as I was reading #10 to Robert the other night. After a little trolling, I found an incomplete list of children's book titles that can also be used as pick-up lines:
10. There's A Wocket In My Pocket! (obviously)
9. Chicka Chicka Boom Boom
8. Hop On Pop
7. My Truck Is Stuck!
6. Have You Seen My Duckling?
5. Where's Weenie?
4. What Do You Do With A Tail Like This?
3. Everyone Poops (fetishists only)
2. May I Bring A Friend?
1. Guess How Much I Love You
Did I miss any?
How about, Is Your Mama a Llama?
Posted by: Susan | October 19, 2005 at 18:17
In a reserved, British-y sort of way: What Do You Say, Dear?
Posted by: Betsy | October 19, 2005 at 18:54
Thanks for the laugh! I needed a pre-dinner meltdown hour pick-me-up.
Posted by: Mary | October 19, 2005 at 19:44
A quick scan of our bookcase revealed:
Who's Hiding in the Barn?
Touch and Feel: Wild Animals
Posted by: dansroka | October 19, 2005 at 20:20
40 years old, two kids, and still thinking about pickup lines?
Posted by: grandpa | October 19, 2005 at 20:28
Hippos Go Beserk
How Does A Dinosaur Say Goodnight?
and, ahem...
The Very Hungry Caterpillar
Posted by: not-for-profit-dad | October 19, 2005 at 21:10
You know, grandpa, there's a saying: "Old truckers never die. They just get a new Peterbilt."
I'm not sure if it's all that relevant here, but you have to admit it's a pretty clever play on words.
Posted by: LOD | October 19, 2005 at 22:28
"Curious George Rides"
(I kid you not. It's a board book bastardization, but a book on my shelf, nevertheless)
"Sam Loves Kisses"
& of course,
"Go Dog, Go"
Posted by: LizRM | October 19, 2005 at 23:13
Ya know...I just walked into my son's room and realized that there are far too many perverted books on his shelves!
I suppose if you're horny enough, any title can be interpreted prevertedly.
My contributions: Uncle Wiggly Bedtime Stories; Friends All Day and All Year Long.
Posted by: Turtlellini | October 19, 2005 at 23:34
Btw...the CD version of your #1 is in my son's bedside CD player right now! Uncanny.
Posted by: Turtlellini | October 19, 2005 at 23:36
Great list! The only one that jumps out at me as of now, is my son's book:
"The Gas We Pass. The Story of Farts."
Yknow, to go hand in hand w/ the "Everyone Poops" book you listed.
Posted by: Yoj | October 20, 2005 at 08:28
"Horns to Toes and In Between" :-)
Posted by: Lisa | October 20, 2005 at 09:07
Do You Go Where I Go?
Look, Look, Look!
That's Not My Lion
There's a Worm in My Apple
I See the Moon and the Moon Sees Me
I Did It, I'm Sorry
Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What Do You See?
This is the House Where Jack Lives
Say Please
Oh My, Oh My, Oh Dinosaurs
Posted by: Jean | October 20, 2005 at 09:16
In the Night Kitchen...Where the Wild Things Are.
Posted by: liz | October 20, 2005 at 09:31
"The Pigeon Finds a Hot Dog!"
"What do people do all day?"
"Peekaboo Park"
"Spot Sleeps Over"
"The Best Hallowe'en Hunt Ever"
Posted by: Richard | October 20, 2005 at 09:40
Watch Me Grow! :)
Posted by: Stephanie | October 20, 2005 at 10:07
"Time For Bed"
"I'm So Big!"
Posted by: Eulallia | October 20, 2005 at 11:23
Not only the titles but the text itself in many kid's books is shamefully suggestive to a immature adult like myself. From Runaway Bunny:
"If you became a ship, I would become the wind and blow you..."
So sad that I crack up inside every time.
Posted by: sac | October 20, 2005 at 11:55
I guess as a guy, any book title (or for that matter any phrase can be turned into something nasty.
I'm a big fan of the Maisy books (or the French versions, where she's called Mimi):
First, my own smooth pickup Lines:
"Bonjour Mimi" (Hi)
"Quelle heure et-il, Mimi?" (What time is it?)
Then, something more suggestive:
"Je Joue Avec Mimi" (I play with Maisy)
Followed by something a little more commanding (in case she into the whole domination thing):
"Vite, au bain Mimi! (Quick, Get in the Bath!)
"Vite, au lit Mimi!" (Quick, Get in bed!)
Then, some stuff that I shouldn't really know about:
"Mimi s'amuse" (Mimi plays with herself)
"Maisy's Train" (OK, that's just crossed the line)
Posted by: Neal Patrick | October 20, 2005 at 11:59
In the book "Guess How Much I Love You" I like to call Little Nutbrown hair "little brown nut hair".
I also like to make up dirty lyrics to kids show songs, but those are just for me.
Posted by: Richard | October 20, 2005 at 13:31
Goodnight Moon
Big Red Dog
Hide and Seek Puppies
Posted by: Ned | October 20, 2005 at 14:04
I thought first of "I'll Love You Forever." (Turns out it's really just "Love You Forever," though.)
Posted by: Jamie | October 20, 2005 at 15:25
Yeah, I've definitely had numbers 9, 6, and 4 used on me.
But the guy who used number 6 got lucky.
Posted by: Nothing But Bonfires | October 20, 2005 at 15:42
sac-
"If you became a ship, I would become the wind and blow you..."
Ha ha! I just read that book last night and laughed to myself. I'm SO glad I'm not the only one!!!
Posted by: LesleyMW | October 20, 2005 at 16:55
one fish two fish me fist your fish
Posted by: Dutch | October 20, 2005 at 18:17
FIST YOUR FISH??? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHA cough, cough . . .
The Adventures of Paddy the Beaver
Creative Whack Pack
Pussy Willow
Posted by: madness | October 20, 2005 at 18:31
wait - the subject was Pick Up Lines, not innuendous children's titles. I always take things too far . . .
Posted by: madness | October 20, 2005 at 18:38
"Sit on Daddy's Lap"?
Posted by: L Man | October 20, 2005 at 23:29
"The Day (your) Goose Got Loose"
Amazing. all this time we thought we were reading normal stories to our kids. Instead we were REALLY giving them subtle innuedo!!!
And to think I thought it was just Dr. Suess who had the most perverted stories!
"we see them come
we see them go
some are fast
and some are slow" etc etc ;)
Posted by: Laura | October 21, 2005 at 11:48
Oh the joys of having a teenager who doesn't speak to me. I no longer have to read these books.
Posted by: Scully | October 21, 2005 at 13:16
OMG! That's too funny!
Posted by: Mabel | October 21, 2005 at 13:29
pat the bunny
Posted by: marian | October 21, 2005 at 14:16
Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs.
That might be pushing it. Yeah, I got nothing.
Posted by: Moose | October 21, 2005 at 15:32
It's so true that you can take the titles, stories, etc., from kids books and make them mean something else entirely. Now, I realize poetry is *meant* to be open to interpretation. But still.
In my college poetry writing class, I thought I'd give kids poetry a whirl.
Turns out I was writing about porn-obsessed pedophiles. Who knew?
Posted by: Kara | October 21, 2005 at 16:02
dang!
you should submit that to McSweeney's for one of their lists!
Posted by: monica | October 21, 2005 at 19:54
How about, "Mama, Do You Love Me?"
Posted by: pangolin | October 21, 2005 at 20:10
Hop on Pop?
And Everyone Poops is our #1 favorite around here.
Posted by: Amanda | October 21, 2005 at 20:12
Don't you mean "No. 2 favorite"?
Posted by: LOD | October 21, 2005 at 21:38
Was watching Sesame Street this morning with my 2yr old and the main plot was that Goldilocks was stealing things from other nursery rhyme characters. Ie... she stole the curds and whey from Little Miss Muffett and took Little Jack Horner's christmas pie. Anywhoo.. long story short... good ol' Alan was trying to help Muffett and Jack get their stuff back and explain to Goldilocks that she made them feel bad. And Jack says to Goldilocks... "yeah, how would you like it if someone came along and stuck their thumb in your pie?" I about died laughing. I am so not making this up. I almost fell off the couch. It's all just so sick and wrong.
Posted by: Carrie F. | October 21, 2005 at 22:02
This is as bad as that schtick of adding "he said" or "she said" to random sentences and watching the innuendo bloom.
How Big Is Baby?
Jonah and the Great Fish
I Touch
The Monster at the End of This Book
Posted by: bihari | October 22, 2005 at 13:22
Loving these BED TIME stories! creative dirty minds - my favorite. haaahaa
Posted by: DCdramagrrls | October 22, 2005 at 16:09
Barbie and The Special Sleepover
Posted by: bihari | October 23, 2005 at 21:45
My husband and I are loving these! I can't think of any titles at the moment, but in the book "What to do, Blue?" (from Blue's Clues, and such a stupid book, btw) we can't help but giggle like Beavis and Butthead when reading the following line said by the "felt friends": "Fred, how about you pretend to be the patient, and I pretend to be the doctor?"
Don't they have editors for these books?! :)
Posted by: Lisa | October 24, 2005 at 22:54
I am going to have to go with the aforementioned: "Love You Forever" because that is much better than "Love You Long Time"
I know....*groooannn*
Posted by: Jenn | October 25, 2005 at 00:57
Ok... we have this ancient Little Golden book called "Shy Little Kittens Secret Place" It is so freaking funny!! (The runner up has to be Poky little Puppy's Special Day) my younger sister who doesn't have kids was here reading it to my son and her eyebrows just kept raising higher and higher. We were all trying to stifle our laugher as my son was getting more and more annoyed "READ!!!" he kept yelling but seriously it's non-stop perversion writen ironically enough in the very wholesome 40's and 50's...please allow me to share.... and I quote..
"Shy little kitten felt so lonely. She trudged up the mountain, farther than she had ever gone alone. She saw Saggy Baggy Elephant galumphing around on his hind legs, squirting coconut juice on his pal Tawny Scrawny Lion. She wished she could join in the fun... but she didn't want to get in the way."
and my favorite passage...
Shy litte kitten gave a timid cough. "Could I play too? she asked. "I could roll the balls with my nose, and I ...er... love honey." Baby Brown Bear saw her and waved a sticky paw. But shy little kitten could tell he hadn't really heard her. He was too busy having fun.
and finally...
Shy little kitten wandered on. It wasn't fun exploring all by herself. But she hadn't anything better to do."
and we all know what evils can come from idle hands! LOL
ok enough out of me! TOO funny!
Posted by: Sarah | October 25, 2005 at 07:24
How about a list of titles not to use?
I nominate Stuart Little.
Posted by: Ned | October 25, 2005 at 11:25
Very funny. How about:
Bedtime for Frances
The Foot Book (another fetish specialty)
and Time for Bed, Little Tiger
Posted by: Karin | October 26, 2005 at 19:36
Eeek... Hop on Pop?
Posted by: Meg | October 26, 2005 at 20:18
Frog And Toad Are Friends?
Helping Daddy?
Some titles seem to work better as questions...
Posted by: roo | October 29, 2005 at 15:00
Yeah, I've been creeped out reading "Pat the Bunny" for a while now.... Here's a sample:
"Here are Paul and Judy. They can do lots of things. You can do lots of things too." Ick.
"Judy can pat the bunny. Now you pat the bunny."
Well, I guess it's empowerment, right?
"Judy can play peek-a-boo with Paul."
Wow. Now that's just a little too early.
"Paul can put his finger through Mommy's ring."
Ok, people, who the hell wrote this trash anyway?
Posted by: Jennifer | November 01, 2005 at 11:17