Gas man
I really shouldn't do this. I should instead form a sole proprietorship, crank out some business cards, and get a listing in the Yellow Pages under eructation consultation. Such is the magnitude of my gift.
Why give it away and forego untold millions? Because I don't roll that way. I am all about the people. So if you're a new parent and your newborn constantly struggles with recalcitrant gas bubbles, here's a little peek into my process:
When TwoBert pulls off the nipple and starts squawking his strident I-have-to-burp squawk, I hold him to my chest, rub his back, and sing, "Go TwoBert. It's your burp-day. It's your burp-day." I don't know if it's the motion, the caresses, or an innate distaste for R. Kelly, but it consistently does the trick.
That is the corniest thing I've heard in a long time and it, of course, made me laugh out loud.
Posted by:sac | June 09, 2005 at 11:01
Delurking just to say you do have a rare and amazing gift. Please promise you will use your power only for good!
Posted by:Julie | June 09, 2005 at 12:24
Okay, but if he responds with the chorus of "Pee on You", I'm going to be scared.
Posted by:landismom | June 09, 2005 at 12:29
Don't you mean 50 cent?
Posted by:Howard | June 09, 2005 at 19:31
LOD, you rock. Few bloggers make me chuckle aloud, and you are on that short list. It's your other gift. I popped into comments to point out what Howard did, and I'm glad he already did it. Because it's nitpicky and beside the point & I don't want to roll that way. But my blog nit was picked for confusing Eddie Rabbit and Kenny Loggins so I got yo back, dawg. Roll that way!
Posted by:PuppDaddy | June 09, 2005 at 23:34
Thanks for the clarification, and my sincere apologies to Mr. Fitty. That'll teach me not to pass off five minutes of Googling as an awareness of current pop culture.
That said, doesn't the "It's your birthday" thing pre-date both of them? Like, to the ancient Sumerians or something?
I should have gone with "My name is StarKeisha, it's my birthday up in here!"
Posted by:LOD | June 10, 2005 at 07:43
Hey- my husband can burp our little one better than I can too. He has a bounce and pat method he's thinking of having patented.
Posted by:Kristine | June 10, 2005 at 13:40
Ha ha ha, my friend. You truly crack me up. So THAT'S the well-guarded secret Eructation technique that you've been crowing about? I thought it would be something more closely resembling the vashtu homa yoga techniques mastered by the ancient Himalayans! Or maybe some move you'd adapted from combining positions from the Kama Sutra with the dance moves of Napoleon Dynamite.
But "go TwoBert, it's your burp-day?" Hmm...I'll have to try that one at home tonight.
Posted by:MetroDad | June 10, 2005 at 16:26
Funny to see all your postings on gas have landed you several Google ads for a bunch of fart and flatulence products and services. What a payoff!
Posted by:L Man | June 11, 2005 at 15:40
I always think of burping and de-gassing as an opportunity to mentor my young ones. As such I always lead by example. It sets an egalitarian tone that (while my wife may quibble with it) certainly gets results.
Posted by:Not-For-Profit Dad | June 11, 2005 at 18:13
OMG...I think that's the funniest thing I've heard!!!-And once my little one comes, I am so going to try it out ;)
Posted by:Leah | June 11, 2005 at 21:17