Thank heavens for Janet Jackson's right boob. If it weren't for all the nipple-induced trauma of last year's Super Bowl, and Fox's ridiculous compensatory prudence, this year's game wouldn't have been nearly as much fun. Here are the highlights:
6.30: The teams take the field. Thus begins the clash between the two most colonially significant cities and their jingoistic mascots. America resplendent!
6.42: An ad depicts a pilot jumping out of a plane and plummeting to his death, just for a six-pack of shitty domestic beer.
6.58: Robert passes out in his high chair. I, as the family disposal, eat the rest of his dinner.
7.00: Queer Guy Carson ogles some guy's ass in a soda commercial, thus launching the night's Homosexual Agenda. James Dobson makes the first of several hundred angry phone calls.
7.01: Perhaps in the interest of equal time, Fox airs an ad in which terrible production values are overshadowed by a spectacular pair of breasts in a tank top.
7.21: Pats' CB Randall Gay causes a fumble. Phase II of the Homosexual Agenda is complete.
7.34: An ad for a snack conglomerate answers the question, "How far will MC Hammer go to humilate himself for a paycheck?"
7.35: A clip from Will Smith's new film features Kevin James waving his enormous behind at the camera. A queasy viewership struggles to digest its first bowl of chili.
7.48: Tom Brady fumbles, precipitating a pile-up of strong, sweaty men squirming and groping all over themselves. Dobson faints.
7.52: I take Robert off to bed. When I return, my wife tells me that I missed a lot of "strange kicking." I later learn she was talking about the baby.
8:20: Paul McCartney takes the stage, engendering the following banter:
My wife: Do you know what would make me the happiest woman alive?
Me: If McCartney pulled out his wiener?
My wife: You know me too well.
8.25: McCartney removes his jacket. Though he is disappointingly flat-chested, his jowls jiggle suggestively.
8:31: McCartney launches into "Live and Let Die" amid blinding pyrotechnics. Some interpret this as a tribute to America's foreign policy.
9.00: After nimbly avoiding the family-friendly 8:00 hour, Fox airs the first reference to "four-hour ere¢t10ns." My wife is appalled; she saw the ad begin with several older couples expressing affection for each other and thought it was about retirement planning.
9.12: My wife falls asleep with her legs in my lap, cutting off the blood supply to my upper body.
9.18: I pass out.
10.45: I awake to find that New England has won its third title in the past four years, thus cementing my theory that, under this Administration, it pays to be a Patriot.