WASHINGTON, DC (AP) -- Fresh off his nomination to succeed Tom Ridge as Secretary of Homeland Security, former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik announced his plan to upgrade the color-coded terror alert system developed in the wake of the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks.
“We needed a change,” said Mr. Kerik, who can kick your ass, your dad’s ass, and all of your friends’ asses in alphabetical order. Despite his laughable claims that voting for John Kerry was tantamount to inviting more terrorism on American soil, New Yorkers are optimistic that Mr. Kerik, who witnessed 9/11 and its aftermath first-hand, might see the wisdom of allotting a few more per-capita security dollars to New York City than to, say, Boise Fuckin’ Idaho.
