The muse strikes in the strangest places

Last week, amid the white noise of Christmas party patter, I very clearly heard a man’s voice say, “I lost my pen in a river of poop.” At first I thought I had imagined it, or perhaps I was projecting my own efflucentric lifestyle on some oblivious partygoer. But on the way home, my wife confirmed that she heard it, too. She had been closer to the conversation; apparently, the man works as a nurse and was regaling a not-so-rapt audience with one of those revolting tales that nurses find commonplace and amusing and non-nurses would really rather not hear about, thankyouverymuch.

The sentence stuck with me for a while, because of its wonderfully lyric quality. This is a sentence, I thought, that cries out to be the first line of a poem. So now, it is.

I lost my pen in a river of poop
Thinner than oatmeal, thicker than soup
It would have offended C. Everett Koop
To see the streets pulsing with feculent goop.

I lost my pen in a river of poop
It circled a camp in a large, viscous loop
And swallowed an unwitting Boy Scout troop
It took me just over a month to regroup.

I lost my pen in a river of poop
That slithered on by my apartment’s front stoop
I tried to give chase in my single-mast sloop
But the mainsail got snared in a basketball hoop.

I lost my pen in a river of poop
Too runny to mold, too solid to scoop
And though it was part of a very rare group
That pen is a loss I hope not to recoup.

Happy ’05, everyone. May your revelry be merry—and free of poop-related anecdotes.

Comments

[jollyjosh]

with a 2.5 year old and a 4 month old at home, my hopes are for no rivers of poop (especially during this potty training phase). but thanks for helping lighten the load, so to speak.

[Rantage]

I believe you just channeled Shel Silverstein! Thanks for the laugh.

[L Man]

You clearly have some free time on your hands.

This also reminds of the Lewis Black comedic rant about his overhearing a girl in a Pancake House utter: "If it hadn't been for that horse, I never would have spent that year in college." Remember that, LOD?

[Frankenstein]

That's feckin' brilliant.

[Gretchen]

Perfect. I am proud to e-know you.

[Jewguy]

Boo-boo-be-doop. Happy Gnu Year to you n' yours.

[kara]

Wow-ee. That was quite the poem.
Happy New Year to you & yours!
(Despite the river of poop this morning. It was a gift from our 2-month old after not pooping for 11 days. That's right, eleven days.)

[honestyrain]

see, now, before i thought you were talented but now i think you are very talented.

i've worked in health care. i am one of those people who tells poop storesat parties. or used to. thankfully, my rivers of poop are in the past.

happy new year

[Alice]

Before I thought you were very talented but now I think you are very very talented.

[yomama]

All those people are correct...you are very talented (funny) and should be writing for the masses.

A change of subject matter would be indicated, however.

[MetroDad]

THAT was pure genius, my friend. It not only reminds me of why I keep returning to your site on a daily basis but also stirs up a longing to be the Rogers to your Hammerstein. I think you might be an undiscovered lyrical genius! This is a Top 40 Hit waiting to be written!!! To be part of the lyrical pantheon that includes A Tribe Called Quest's "I Lost My Wallet in El Segundo," Weird Al Yankovic's "I Lost on Jeopardy," the Ramones "I Lost My MInd," and Sarah Brightman's "I Lost It to a Starship Trooper."

That's right. "I Lost My Pen in a River of Poop" is America's next hit song. Break out the Casio keyboard and I think you might have a HUGE hit on your hands.

Happy New Year, pop star!

[Norma]

This probably would have been a lot funnier if I weren't seeing on TV the scenes of the tsunami tragedy, which include no sanitary facilities and dangers of disease from contaminated food and water.

[bluepoppy]

Way to ride the wave of inspiration! This was most frabjous.

[Very Mom]

Oh dear, I am one of those people who torture disgusted audiences with tales from the dark side of the ER. You mean to tell me they are not all rivoted? I've never lost my pen in a river of poop, but I have lost sight of my own two feet.

Wonderful poem.